Matty Bipolar II Journal: 10/14/2011

Today is proof that bipolar can hit you at anytime and take the smallest things and blow them out of proportions in your mind. I started out today in the best of moods, but things happened that made me think about my 'friend zone' curse. I love my female friends, I have a lot of them and they are all special to me.

Message to female friends:
     Thank you all for being there for me when I need you. You have all been wonderfully supportive through my down times and I really appreciate you all. You are all close to my heart and I don't know what I would do without you.

With that being said, I am tired of becoming the instant 'friend zone' friend with every woman I meet. Just once can't I find someone that see's me for who I really am and will take the chance on me to want me as I have wanted so many women before? I love my 'friend zone' female friends, but over the past 25 years there has only been 3 women that took that leap, and although it didn't work out, I am still good friends with them. I know one day I will meet the woman that joyfully grabs my heart and runs with it, I just wish it was sooner then it actually will be. I am tired of being the constant 'friend' and would like more. My biggest problem is the women that want more only want sex and are not interested in the rest or they don't match me well enough personality wise for it to work.

I am always waiting for that "one day" when I will find her. But, after 25 years I am tired of waiting. I think I will give up for a while and not try to meet new women. So, those of you that are already my friends I thank you for your support and love, for those of you that I don't know, I probably will not try to date you because I don't want to go through all the emotional shit that comes with being rejected anymore. Any new women I meet I will just assume automatically that I am already in the 'friend zone'.

Not sure how I will get out of this self destructive cycle yet. But, I have to protect myself from pain. When I do figure it out or have some answers then I will be sure to post it for you all.

Until then, sleep well everyone and see you tomorrow.

Matty Bipolar II Journal: 10/06/2011

The past couple of months I have tried taking Niacinamide in an attempt to help with my depression cycle. It is a B vitamin that is a natural way of increasing serotonin in the brain. One of the known problems with Bipolar people is that our bodies go through B vitamins very quickly and we need supplements. The good thing about Nacinamide is that it is not expensive and has no side effects. But, you don't want to take more then 20,000 mg a day, after 40,000 mg a day it can become toxic.

What I did was start with 500 mg a day and increased it until I noticed a difference. Right now I take around 4500 a day and in the past 4 cycles my depression has either been small or non-existent. I truly believe that I found an answer to the depression that plague's all Bipolar people and I have been consistently happier in the past 2 months then I ever have before, even when I was on Tegretol.

Being happy more often is also helping all of the other aspects in my life. I am very optimistic about the future and excited for what is in store for me.