Hello everyone, I have Bipolar II and going through self exploration and research on my disorder to allow myself to effectively handle my waves without medication. I wanted to start this journal for a couple of reasons:
1) It will help me to organize my thoughts and allow me to be more effective in my approach on how to handle the constant fluctuations.
2) Other people that are dealing with any type of Bipolar will know that they are not alone and can read my experiences, thoughts, and approaches to help them understand their own form of Bipolar and how to effectively deal with it.
3) For normal people that have loved ones with Bipolar or in a relationship with someone that is Bipolar. So they can get a glimpse of what it is like to live with this disorder and can better understand what they are going through, how to recognize where they are in their cycle, and figure out ways to deal with the waves. Because it is very hard for Bipolar people to keep relationships without an understanding partner that is willing to help them through.
What is Bipolar? Bipolar (previously known as Manic Depression) is a disorder where the neurons in the Brain do not have a steady flow of neurotransmitters between them. Neurotransmitters are chemical messengers that move nerve impulses between neurons. Inhibitory Neurotransmitters, Serotonin and Gamma Amnibutyric Acid (GABA), calm the brain to help create balance. Excitatory Neurotransmitters, Epinephrine and Norepinephrine, stimulate the brain. There is also the Neurotransmitter, Dopamine, which can act as both Inhibitory and Excitatory. What happens is the body does not produce these neurotransmitters at a steady pace. Instead the chemical Neurotransmitter are not produced properly. During manic stages, the brain does not produce GABA and Norepinephrine properly. During depression stages, the brain does not produce enough Dopamine. This ongoing cycle of uneven production is called Bipolar Disorder because of the two extreme poles of manic and depression. Antidepressant medication increases Dopamine, but does not affect GABA or Norepinephrine. This is why you cannot give antidepressant medication to a Bipolar person. Because it will help the depression stages, but make the manic stages worse. Well, there are different types of Bipolar with smaller differences depending on the personality of the person affected. Bipolar I and II are similar in the wave formations of manic/depression, but Bipolar I has more extreme poles and therefore more severe then Bipolar II.
Here is a little history on me and my form of Bipolar. I was diagnosed with Bipolar II when I was 19 and was put on Tegretol, a mood stabilizing drug, to keep me even. Outside sources can affect Bipolar waves by exaggerating them or making them last longer then normal. I was bullied pretty bad as a teenager and the trauma had increased the intensity of my waves so much that they became unmanageable and I was fighting thoughts of suicide on a weekly basis. I was on Tegretol for 10 years, stopping the drug when I was 29 and have been off medication for the past 2 1/2 years.
Because I do not have to deal with the amount of stress I did when I was a teenager my waves are not as intense as they use to be and therefore more manageable. If I do not have any bad outside stresses then my wave will complete about once a week. Each part of the wave (normal, manic, normal, depressed) will last about 2 days each, plus or minus half a day. In the next part of this journal entry I will walk you through what my thoughts and experiences are with the 3 levels, or what I call the 3 personalities, of my Bipolar II.
Normal
My normal personality is a quintessential nice guy, I treat people as I would want to be treated. I naturally have a calm demeanor, I stay calm in most situations because a cool head can handle situations better then a hot head. I am intrigued by intelligent conversation, a good intelligent discussion with someone that can respect a different opinion without it affecting the relationship with that person is very important to me. I like to learn new things and experience anything that I have not before. I use logic as a way of making decisions and forming opinions. I like to be spontaneous but don't get to be very often due to work and money. I have a normal sleep schedule and can usually get about 8 hours. I am also a mild sex addict, I think about sex often and want to have sex on a regular basis.
Manic
My manic personality is very high energy, I talk faster jumping from one idea to another as if I have ADHD. I have trouble looking in the same place for too long and sometimes darting my eyes trying to absorb as much visual information as possible. I am super happy and crave fun experiences, easily becoming the 'life of the party' type of person. I crave attention and like to be around people, drinking, laughing, being in the middle of discussions, and being touched. I have trouble sleeping, my mind is racing with thoughts and cravings. So, I end up getting only a couple of hours of sleep at a time, 2 hours here - 2 hours there - etc... Also, some Bipolar II people, like me, have Hypersexuality. I crave sex constantly and temporarily become a sex addict. The upside to Hypersexuality
Depression
My depression personality is quiet, I don't talk very much and when I do it is slower and softer. I become more lethargic and loose motivation to do things unless I have someone, friends or partner, that will invite me to things or ask me to do something with them. Because my depression is all chemical there is no real reason to explain the depression. So, my mind will try to give me reasons to explain the depression. To fight this I have to constantly question myself and fight my own mind, using logic to disprove the reasons my mind comes up with. This become very mentally draining which although keeps my depression pretty mild, it does add to the lethargic feeling. I have trouble going to sleep but can get in more sleep then during the manic stage. Sometimes I can sleep more then manic and normal, other times I get as little as the manic stage, but for different reasons. Also, my sex drive changes. Because I am so mentally drained, my sex drive decreases. Although I still want sex, I don't have the motivation or energy to initiate it or seek it out. But, if a girl is forward enough and initiates it with me then I am all for it and will perform.
In the future I am going to be posting journal entries about my Bipolar II, what's going on, what my thoughts are about, and theories I have to fix those issues. Please leave comments if you wish with suggestions, general comments, and thoughts.
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