My Life Changed This Weekend

I learned the most important thing this weekend...Love and relationships will never work if they are one sided, but when the feelings are equally reciprocated then it is the most beautiful thing.

I have been the kind of guy that gets crushes on women and then rejected by them for most of my life. Last week I decided to drop all my crushes and think higher of myself in knowing that I am a great catch and I should not be the only one that thinks so. Therefore I will wait for a girl to show interest in me first before I allow myself to crush on her. What I did not expect was for her to find me 5 days later lol.

I meet this girl on MyYearBook.com and we had talked a little here and there but not much. On Friday night I decided to make a joke on one of her posts and she found out I lived in her town, so we started talking. Needless to say that 12 hours later we were both well on our way to falling for each other hard and fast.

I believe in soul mates and have seen couples that I consider to be soul mates. But, I had no idea that it could feel like this and this fast. She compliments me so perfectly in most ways and in the past 3 days I have spent most of my time talking to her. She has totally blown me away and we both have grown feelings for each other at the same time intervals. Experiencing a parallel emotional connection with someone that strong is mind boggling! We both agree that it just feels natural and right and I am so excited for what is to come.

Many of my friends are worried about me because of how attached I got to people in the past, but the difference here is that she feels the same as I do and it is not one sided this time. It feels different, it feels right, it feels real...

May this new chapter in my life begin the happiest memories I will ever have and I think that when I look back on my life as an old man that I will see Dec 2nd, 2011 as the greatest life changing moment of my life. I am looking forward to what is to come baby!

*Muah and Hugz* To Jenniffer, the owner of my heart ;)

Matty Bipolar II Journal: 11/20/2011

I went from Manic to the deep depression cycle in about 2 hours tonight and I was prepared for it. I usually get a day or two of normal to mentally prepare for it. For those of you that find yourself in this position often or not often but want to know what to do...Listen to the music that reflects your emotion, even if it is not the normal music you listen to it. Theses are some of the songs that reflect my emotion and mental imagry:

Cold - Bleed
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XkbQDChgmX8&ob=av2e
Cold - Stupid Girl
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fGT1QRyVYvY&feature=relmfu
Chevelle - The Red
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=trinU3VD1Zo&ob=av2e
Five Finger Death Punch - Under and Over it
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZLk75fFXqH4&ob=av2e
Slipknot - Duality
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6fVE8kSM43I&feature=related
Marylin Manson - Beautiful People
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ypkv0HeUvTc
Lamb of God - Walk with me in Hell
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QWkhCxCcWSE&ob=av2n

Music is a great way of releasing aggression without hurting anyone

Watching From The Outside

I am but a hub
The station to get you where your going
I am but a magnet
The force that brings others together
I am but entertainment
To cure boredom when none other shall

I wish to be the final destination
I wish to be the main attraction
I wish to not be the last resort

Matt Steininger

Matty Bipolar II Journal: 10/14/2011

Today is proof that bipolar can hit you at anytime and take the smallest things and blow them out of proportions in your mind. I started out today in the best of moods, but things happened that made me think about my 'friend zone' curse. I love my female friends, I have a lot of them and they are all special to me.

Message to female friends:
     Thank you all for being there for me when I need you. You have all been wonderfully supportive through my down times and I really appreciate you all. You are all close to my heart and I don't know what I would do without you.

With that being said, I am tired of becoming the instant 'friend zone' friend with every woman I meet. Just once can't I find someone that see's me for who I really am and will take the chance on me to want me as I have wanted so many women before? I love my 'friend zone' female friends, but over the past 25 years there has only been 3 women that took that leap, and although it didn't work out, I am still good friends with them. I know one day I will meet the woman that joyfully grabs my heart and runs with it, I just wish it was sooner then it actually will be. I am tired of being the constant 'friend' and would like more. My biggest problem is the women that want more only want sex and are not interested in the rest or they don't match me well enough personality wise for it to work.

I am always waiting for that "one day" when I will find her. But, after 25 years I am tired of waiting. I think I will give up for a while and not try to meet new women. So, those of you that are already my friends I thank you for your support and love, for those of you that I don't know, I probably will not try to date you because I don't want to go through all the emotional shit that comes with being rejected anymore. Any new women I meet I will just assume automatically that I am already in the 'friend zone'.

Not sure how I will get out of this self destructive cycle yet. But, I have to protect myself from pain. When I do figure it out or have some answers then I will be sure to post it for you all.

Until then, sleep well everyone and see you tomorrow.

Matty Bipolar II Journal: 10/06/2011

The past couple of months I have tried taking Niacinamide in an attempt to help with my depression cycle. It is a B vitamin that is a natural way of increasing serotonin in the brain. One of the known problems with Bipolar people is that our bodies go through B vitamins very quickly and we need supplements. The good thing about Nacinamide is that it is not expensive and has no side effects. But, you don't want to take more then 20,000 mg a day, after 40,000 mg a day it can become toxic.

What I did was start with 500 mg a day and increased it until I noticed a difference. Right now I take around 4500 a day and in the past 4 cycles my depression has either been small or non-existent. I truly believe that I found an answer to the depression that plague's all Bipolar people and I have been consistently happier in the past 2 months then I ever have before, even when I was on Tegretol.

Being happy more often is also helping all of the other aspects in my life. I am very optimistic about the future and excited for what is in store for me.

Matty Bipolar II Journal: 07/11/2011

I am a true believer in the concept of "temporary insanity" and my weekend is my proof of that. In three days I managed to dive into the darkest parts of my mind and was lost to them. In my insanity I have wronged some people, annoyed others, and depressed even more. I feel truly sorry for my actions and wish the people I have wronged can find a way to forgive me one day. The following is not an excuse for my actions, I take full responsibility for them and any future consequences because of them. I am writing this to help people that have loved ones with Bipolar in understanding where their mind is during these times and for those with Bipolar to be able to avoid the mistakes I have made.

On Thursday I started a quick dive depression that hit me too fast for me to control and the Bipolar won. My pain felt unbearable at the time and I decided to drink alcohol to try and get some relief or at least not care anymore. This started a three day alcohol binge that progressively made my depression worse. By Saturday night I was living in a constant state of rage, disgust, and intense hatred for myself. I contemplated suicide, but I am not able to do it. I have contemplated suicide before, I never tried because I see it as giving up and I don't like to give up. Also, I would not want to put my loved ones through that. I may have had in an insane powerful hatred for myself, but I didn't want anyone else to know about it. Everyone has felt depressed, rage, disgust, and intense hatred before and maybe even towards themselves. But, because of the alcohol and having fallen into the darkest places of my mind I started to find joy from the rage and hatred. In my insanity I thought that suicide was not fun enough and too quick, I thought it would be more fun to start a fight with multiple people and cause pain in the hopes that they will kill me and take me out of my misery. This was my mindset on Saturday night.

I could not drive anywhere, so I decided to blast death metal from my car that night and drink outside in the hopes that someone would start a fight with me. Instead I was saved by three neighborhood kids that heard the music and came over without any fear of my drunkenness to ask me about it. I started talking about my love of metal for a while and later after I lit up a cigarette my rage and hate had turned into a protective state of mind. Okay, let me back track a bit on that to explain why that happened. My mom's side of the family has had many abusive people in it, some alcoholics, some not. But, growing up I would witness my cousins and aunts get beat and berated for no reason, that gave me a core disgust for people that would ever physically harm a woman or a child. So, when I lit that cigarette I became protective of these kids and started telling them to never smoke, that I hate it, it smells, tastes bad, is disgusting, and extremely hard to quite. After talking to them for about an hour about all kinds of things and probably convincing them to stay away from alcohol also. I turned off the music and went to bed. On Sunday I was severely dehydrated and spent the day at my parents house to be in a safe place that was familiar, I started eating again and hydrating myself. By Monday morning I was feeling better and now I am back to my old self. I am still coming out of the depression, but it is manageable now.

To people that have Bipolar, it is not a good idea to drink alcohol if you are in your depression cycle especially if it is an uncontrolled depression. Even in a controlled depression I would not have more then a couple of drinks and never pass tipsy. Learn from my mistakes, alcohol promotes the depression, it may feel good at first, but if you can't stop in an attempt to continue the relieving feeling then it will push your mind into places you do not want to be. I am a fucking idiot, do not be me.

Race: The Cultural Misnomer

Race: The Cultural Misnomer

By

Matt Steininger

I grew up in Silver Spring, MD in the Washington D.C. Metro area. The culture there is separated in equal amounts of black and white skinned people, some separated by economic class but there is also a blending of the two in other areas. I was raised by my parents to be what they called, “color blind.” They wanted my brother and I to treat everyone the same as we would want to be treated by them, regardless of the color of their skin. As I got older and learned more about genetics, philosophy, and culture I realized that there is no such thing as race and the differences people associate with “race” are actually economic cultural differences. Any person that grows up in a specific culture will have those differences, but skin color has nothing to do with it.

The area of Silver Spring is a mixed culture of middle class. We were apart of the lower middle class culture. Cultures are more based on economics then race. In fact there really is no such thing as race. All humans are 99.9% genetically the same. The ideology of “race” is a fairly new idea and was created by slave owners near the end of the 18^th century. There was anti-slavery pressure coming from Europe and the slave owners had to come up with something to justify slavery. They did this by exploiting differences between different ethic heritages and colors, they explained this difference as race. The idea of race had became ingrained in the minds of Americans and spread to the rest of the world to explain differences in culture everywhere. This idea was taken by Hitler during Wold War II and he had many scientific studies done on the Jewish people to prove racial differences are physical and mental. Because the idea of race became so ingrained in our minds people started to separate each other based on race and forcing others into a racial box that over time became a cultural difference. If you forcefully separate a group of people then eventually they will create their own culture based on their economic status, location, politics, and treatment by others.

The American Anthropological Association (AAA) had written a paper on their opinions of race. They say, “Biophysical diversity has no inherent social meaning except what we humans confer upon it.” (American Anthropological Association). So, if race has no inherent social meaning then what creates this social meaning. The AAA says, “...we conclude that the concept of “race” has no validity as a biological category in the human species. Because it homogenizes widely varying individuals into limited categories, it impedes research and understanding of the true nature of human biological variations.” (American Anthropological Association). A persons economic status will create differences in culture, not their color or ethnic heritage.

The area I grew up in was a lower middle class culture. In a low income culture everyone is trying to find ways to make money and survive, there are usually underground economies of drugs, porn, and black market merchandise. Bourgois, did an anthropological study on this type of culture in New York and he describes the mindset of those areas well by saying, “Regular displays of violence are necessary for success in the underground economy – especially the street-level drug dealing world. Violence is essential for maintaining credibility and for preventing rip-offs by colleagues, customers, and intruders. Thus behavior that appears irrationally violent and self-destructive to the middle- or working-class outsider can be interpreted, according to the logic of the underground economy, as judicious public relations.” (Bourgois). My area was mixed with white and black people that were just like that. In the D.C. Metro area there is what I call a “prison mentality” and in school when a group of kids wants to be feared by everyone else they will take out the biggest and toughest guy to establish dominance. I was the biggest guy and would get jumped and verbally degraded on a regular basis so that this group could keep their dominance over the other kids in the school.

Culture has nothing to do with color. I have seen white people that grew up in poor areas with black people and their culture was just as Bourgois described. I have also see black people that grew up in upper middle class or wealthy cultures and they adopted what would be considered a “white” culture. Kottak says, “Every person begins immediately, through a process of conscious and unconscious learning and interaction with others, to internalize, or incorporate, a cultural tradition through the process of enculturation.” (Kottak). Our society tries to keep these economic cultures true by making it extremely difficult for anyone to change their economic status. Dworkin agrees by saying, “In the real world people do not start their lives on equal terms. For luck (e.g. of inherited genes, or of educational privilege) can play a devastating role in deciding who gets or keeps the best jobs.” (Dworkin)

I first moved to Longmont, Colorado, when I was 16 years old and I had a culture shock. Longmont was a middle class rural culture of mostly white people. Actually I didn't see a black person in Longmont until three months after living there. Because the area was prominently white and middle class the culture was naive and believed that race created cultures and not economics or politics. I would meet many people that would assume that people were black or white when I told stories of growing up in Silver Spring. When I would tell someone that I was jumped and made fun of on a regular basis they would assume they were black and if I told a story about a friend they would assume they were white. If someone was violent or mean they assumed they were black and if they were nice then they assumed they were white. I had to point out multiple times that there were also violent white people and nice black people. The concept of race had nothing to do with it. We are all the product of the culture we grew up in and learned. If a person is white and grows up in a low economic class then they will act accordingly and usually be more violent to hold onto the credibility needed for that culture. Also, if a person is black and grows up in a middle or high economic class then they will be nicer and calmer because they do not have the stresses of a low economic class. This is evident when a black person of low economic class meet another black person of high economic class, they will consider them to be acting “white.” This is also evident when a white person of high economic class meets a white person of low economic class, they will consider them to be acting “black” and have nick names for them like “wigger.”

Culture is everywhere and is different depending on the area you are in. Many things can create a culture like, location, economic status, politics, and available resources. But, the color of a person's skin or their ethnic heritage does not create culture. Culture cannot be genetically inherited, it must be learned and experienced.

Bibliography:

American Anthropological Association, . "Official Statement on "Race"." Anthropology Newsletter. 38.6 (1997). Print.

Kottak, Conrad Phillip. Mirror for Humanity. 7th ed. New York, NY: McGraw Hill, 2010. 236-257. Print.

Bourgis, Phillippe. In Search of Respect: Selling Crack in El Barrio. 2nd ed. New York, NY: Cambridge University Press, 2003. Print.

Dworkin, Ronald. A Matter of Principle. New York, NY: Harvard University Press, 1985. 205-213. Print.

Matty Bipolar II Journal: 06/02/2011

My Bipolar depressions usually only last a day, maybe two. Sometimes outside sources like stress or events can trigger a depression and my Bipolar will exploit it, feed off it, and make it last longer. I have enough energy to fight it for 3 days, today is the 4th day...After 3 days my mind gives up and just accepts the depressive thoughts and all I can do is wait until the chemicals balance out and the depression goes away on its own.

I have been trying to figure out a way to explain what my chemical bipolar depression feels like...I think I found a description that is close enough to give you an idea of the emotions and thoughts involved. Imagine it is the middle of the night and you are 10 years old, small, insecure, scared, and against a huge brick wall. Your surrounded by a handful of people (men and women) twice your size and they are pointing, laughing, calling you names, and exploiting every flaw and fear you have. Now imagine those feelings and thoughts repeating over and over constantly, 24/7. That is what my Bipolar depression dips are like. I can fight that for about 3 days, after that I run out of mental energy and give up fighting it. Then its just a waiting game

Using Dreams To Pierce The Subconcious

I was watching, "Nova: What Are Dreams?", on Netflix instant view yesterday. A very interesting documentary that, as the title suggests, looks at why we dream and what dreams mean. There are two types of dreams, non-REM dreams and REM dreams. One cycle of sleep is around 90 minutes and happens like this: Awake, Stage 1, Stage 2, Stage 3, Stage 4, Stage 5, and REM (Rapid Eye Movement) which is the deepest form of sleep and then the cycle starts over again at Stage 1. For a normal person this cycle will happen 4 or 5 times in a single night of sleep. In the show they talk about how dreams during the first 5 stages of sleep are fast clips of information and your brain uses that to try and understand the current feelings and thoughts that were dominant for today. Then when you hit REM sleep the dream is closer to real time and the brain fills in the gaps, trying to find solutions and project future scenarios allowing your mind to explore possibilities. The show says, “dreams are relatively transparent...dreams tend to reflect people's emotional concerns and things that preoccupy them in their social lives.”

One of the scientist suggested that it is possible to control what information the dreams will concentrate on. She suggests that before you go to sleep, think about a specific concern or ask yourself a question over and over. You brain can take the most recent thought to build dreams off of unless you have a stronger emotional concern from earlier in the day. So, I decided to test this and before I went to sleep I asked myself, 'what do I need to change to be happy?' This is the dream I had and after that I will give my interpretation of that dream.

My dream after asking, 'What do I need to change to be happy?'

I went to a movie theater and was at the concession stand getting a large soda. There was a good looking girl behind the counter not doing anything but chewing gum and looking at her nails while everyone else worked. She told me she was hungry and asked me to go get her some breakfast from Burger King. I had some time before my movie started and said okay. I saw a sign outside that said there was a Burger King in the shopping center, so I started walking around the building to find it. But, I only found a McDonald's. I walked a little farther around the building and then found another McDonald's. I was starting to get hungry myself and thought a Big Mac sounded really good right now, but I was looking for a Burger King and continued my walk. I then came across another McDonald's. I thought maybe I missed something and I started to get frustrated because my movie was going to start soon and then ran back around the building, but all I could find were McDonald's. I looked down at my watch and saw that I missed the movie, it had already started. I sat down on a bench with my soda frustrated. The bench melted away and I fell into a grave in the dirt, but the dirt was black soot and there were only 3 sides. At my head the grave opened up into the apartment of the girl that was behind the concession stand, she was sitting with a friend in the kitchen eating a Burger King breakfast. Apparently, she already had plans to get breakfast with her friend, but wanted it sooner and for free so she has asked me to get it for her. I started to get angry and wanted to lunge out at her, but my back was wet. I sat up and looked down, I had landed on my soda and smashed the cup into the ground. I looked at the girl and said to myself, “fuck it”, and started to pull the soot into the grave. I covered the cup and let it pour into the girls kitchen. I filled the grave in as I climbed and got the soot level high enough inside for me to get out of the grave. Then I woke up.

My interpretation of my dream.

I should do the things I want to do and not what others want me to do. I do not need to do things to earn the affection of a women, it will never work and any woman that requires me to earn her affection is not worth my time anyway. Because, women like that use their looks to gain whatever they can from people willing to give. They will take from you until you have nothing left and then move on to the next easy target.

I should not worry about the food I eat as much as I do and eat the foods I enjoy and instead just watch the portion amounts. Listen to my cravings within reason, the mind gives us cravings for a reason. It is better to be happy, healthy, and chubby then it is to be depressed, unhealthy, and thin. I should drink less soda, quite smoking, and exercise more or I am going to put myself into an early grave.

Weight Loss Journal: 4/15/2011

Last week = 270.0
This week = 269.4
Weight loss = 0.6 lbs

I am still plateaued around 270 lbs. I think this is my comfortable weight for now. I am able to easily sustain this weight and still eat the foods I like. I do need to work out more often and when I increase my work outs my weight will go down again. But, right now I am comfortable where I am. I would rather be chubby and happy then to be skinny and miserable ;p

I will continue to weigh myself every Friday, but I won't post in this journal again unless something changes.

Weight Loss Journal: 4/08/2011

Last week = 270.0 lbs
This week = 270.0 lbs
Weight loss = 0 lbs

So, it looks like I have plateaued. At least I didn't gain any weight, but I am disappointed that I am not loosing more. I just have to keep doing what I'm doing and wait for the plateau to be over. Being patient during weight loss is very difficult though and for anyone else that is going through a similar problem, you just need to stay focused and keep on your diet and exercise. It may be hard, but your body will eventually catch up and the weight will drop again.

Weight Loss Journal: 4/01/2011

Last week = 265.0 lbs
This week = 270.0 lbs
Weight loss = +5 lbs

The brick wall that is 265 has won again. Damn you 265, I will get below your weight one day!

265 lbs is a weight that I have gotten down to a few times, but there was always something that happened that kept me from breaking through to a lower weight and then I would gain weight again.

It is understandable though, I have been under some stress this week from being fired from my job and having to figure out what I want to do now. I applied to CU Denver for economics and it feels good to be able to do what I really want now without being held back by my job. I also drank alcohol for four of the days this week, once my time got freed up I had a lot of parting to do and alcohol is not exactly conducive to weight loss. ;p

Although the five pound gain is disappointing, it is understandable and I won't let it get me down in the slightest. I will break through the 265 barrier, no matter how long it takes. I am still feeling great and my weight loss was noticed by some of the girls at the bar last night. It always feels great when someone else notices and I gotta say the compliments felt really good.

Weight Loss Journal: 3/25/2011

Last week I weighed in at 269.8 lbs and today I weighed in at 265.0 lbs for a loss of 4.8 lbs!

Wow, this week was crazy! I got fired from my job and still managed to loose almost 5 lbs. I do find it funny that I weighed in exactly at 265.0 lbs, because 265 is the bane of my existence. I have hit 265 before many times, but can never get under it. So, this next week is going to be a tough one for me. I just have to stick to what I have been doing by keeping my calorie intake under my burn and keep my exercise the same. The last thing I want to do is increase my exercise or decrease my calories, in an effort to break the elusive 265 number. If I change my plan then I will risk going back to 265 the following week, even if I get under it this next week. Here is to a milestone! I will break you next week, you bastard number! ;p

Weight Loss Journal: 3/18/2011

Last week I weighed in at 271.6 and this week I weighed in at 269.8 for a loss of 1.8lbs.

I started my food decline in preparation for my fast (see Weight Loss Journal: 3/15/2011 for more info) and I am on day 4. Tomorrow I start the liquid part of the fast and I am feeling pretty good about it. Today is the veggie only day, for me it is the hardest day to do because I am still eating and can't have dairy or meat. I usually end up cheating a little bit on the veggie only days, but I make sure that if I do that it isn't anything too heavy. For instance, today I had a salad for lunch and it had dressing on it and a few pieces of chicken. Tonight I will have another salad and I will keep it dry, only veggies. At midnight I drop everything and have only Superfood and water. I feel ready for it, my stomach is already shrinking and my appetite is decreasing as well. So, I think by midnight my body will be ready to make the move over to a liquid diet. I usually only do one day of only water and then start adding food again. This time I am considering doing more then just one day, maybe two, I think I will make that decision after I see how well I feel after just one day of only water. Either way, as long as I don't go over 3 days then I should be fine.

The body cleanse is going great, I have a lot more energy and I'm not getting tired at work anymore. It is because when my body is clean of toxins then it will absorb more of my Alive! multi-vitamins (which I continue to take even on water only days). Wish me luck and see you next wee with the results.

UPDATED: 3/19/2011

DO NOT DO A FAST AND BODY CLEANSE AT THE SAME TIME. ONLY DO ONE OR THE OTHER.

I started feeling really weak tonight and I think it is because I mixed the body cleanse with the fast. So, right now my body has nothing in my system. I am going to break my fast and start ramping up my food again since I already accomplished what I was going for in cleaning out my system and shrinking my stomach some. But, because I already ramped my food down I am going to have to ramp my food back up.

Weight Loss Journal: 3/15/2011

UPDATED: 3/19/2011

I know it's not Friday yet, but I wanted to let you know what I am doing. I've been using the Bodybugg and counting calories for the past month. I've gotten pretty good and knowing how many calories are in foods and I now know that my resting calorie burn is 2800 to 3000 calories a day. I also know now how many calories I will burn in an hour depending on my heart rate during a workout. So, I don't think I need to keep track of the specific numbers anymore. I am still going to be posting every Friday with my current weight, loss amount, updates, and things I learn along the way. But, I won't be posting the spreadsheets anymore.

Now to get to what is going on this week...

I went off my diet this weekend during my mini weekend vacation, but I still kept my food around 3000 calories. Although I allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted, I found that I still didn't eat very much.

I want to reboot my mind and body this week, so I will be doing a fast and body cleanse. The body cleanse part is easy, I got some cranberry pills (click here for benefits) for my kidney cleanse and urinary tract health, I also got an herbal colon cleanse that will do a genital cleanse over time (click here to see what WebMD says about them) , and my normal Alive! vitamins.

Another way to clean out your system is to do a fast, which would also shrink your stomach. DO NOT DO BOTH THE CLEANSE AND FAST AT THE SAME TIME. ONE OR THE OTHER.

For those of you that are interested in how to do a fast safely, this is how I do it...You want to becareful when you plan out a fasting of food, because your body does not like shocks to the system. I break my foods into the normal categories of sugar, dairy, meat, and vegetables. I put fruit and carbohydrates into the sugar category because carbohydrates get turned into sugar quickly when you digest them and fruit is obviously a sugar, natrual sugar, but still sugar. Now I have to do a gradual decline of my food in preparation for the fast. Here is the break down:

Day 01 = Eat or drink anything

Day 02 = Remove sugar from diet (including all carbonated soda's, even diet soda), also remove all outside toxin's (smoking, alcohol, etc...). I can only eat dairy, meat, vegetables, and only drink water

Day 03 = Remove dairy from diet. I can only eat meat, vegetables, and only drink water

Day 04 = Remove meat from diet. I can only eat vegetables and only drink water

Day 05 = Remove vegetables from diet. I can only drink Superfood (I like Odwalla Original Superfood) and water (click here to see what WebMD says about superfoods)

Day 06 = Remove superfood from diet. I can only drink water

Day 07 = Add superfood to diet

Day 08 = Add vegetables

Day 09 = Add meat

Day 10 = Add dairy

Day 11 = Add sugar

During the entire process (including day 6) I am still taking the Alive! multi-vitamins. On day 6 when I am only drinking water is where the actual fasting starts. I usually only do one day, but it is okay to increase that time. I would suggest that if you try it yourself that you do NOT go over 3 days of only water, even though you are taking the multi-vitamins. Although this is a good way to clean out your system, you don't want to damage it by not eating for too long.

Weight Loss Journal: 3/11/2011

I weighed in today at 271.6 lbs for a loss of 2.6 lbs this week and a total loss 9.8lbs of since I started this journal four weeks ago. Even though I gained weight last week, I gotta say that an almost 10 lbs of weight loss in a month is still a great number and I am happy with my progress so far.

It's nice to see a loss this week and I still need to eat more healthy foods. But, I am proud of myself for keeping track of my calories, even though some of them are bad calories. It is also good to see that with exercise and multi-vitamins that I can still loose weight despite the junk food. I have not been able to work out at the gym as much as I would like, I've been having trouble sleeping recently and don't have much energy when I get off of work. But, I did buy an energy ball a couple of days ago and use it as my chair at work for the past two days. I am getting a great core workout doing this, Abs of steel baby! I would definitely recommend that anyone that is trying to loose weight or build muscle should also get an exercise ball.

You can click on this link if you are not sure what an exercise ball is.
Here are two more links for you if you are interested. How to choose an exercise ball and this link will give you some free exercise ball workouts.

My exercise ball is 75 cm, which is for people over 6 feet tall, and I got it at Walmart for $16. I want to get another one, so I can keep one at work and at home. Its a cheap great way to get in a workout, I can't say enough good things about it. =P

I am hoping to break the 270 mark next week...keep your fingers crossed!

Rammstein - Keine Lust (Music Video)

I know this is not a movie technically, but it is in a way a short film...Anyway, I thought it was cool and decided to post it. Rammstein in fat suits in a song about lust, doesn't get much better then that ;p

Sadly it is even better then half the movies that hit the theater these days!

The Emulation of Perfection

The emulation of perfection encourages a negatively self-conscious personality. For years I have said that the beauty magazines and media, although satisfy a certain niche, also give teenage girls low self-esteem as they attempt to become the epitamy of physical beauty. But, I don't think this is only true for teenage girls...emulating any form of perfection will cause low self-esteem and/or stress.

The world is a dirty fucked up place and when someone tries to ignore that fact then they are fooling themselves. This doesn't mean that the world is a depressing place, but it can be if you are exposed to the dark parts without the tools needed to handle it. People have flaws, people have dark places in their minds, people are not perfect and will lie to others and themselves as they attempt to hold on dearly to their perfect view of themselves and the world around them. Ironically, the world would actually be a better place with less lies if people only accepted the flaws and darkness that is everywhere. Why do people lie? Because they don't want others to see their flaws or shatter their picture of perfection they have fooled themselves into. People also lie to help others keep their idea of perfection intact. If people would only accept that they are flawed, that others have flaws, and that the world has its dark areas; then they would not have a reason to lie. Now I am not promoting the idea of just being so bluntly honest that you hurt the feeling others and come across as mean, I think that a person can accept flaws and still be supportive. Just because you accept the fact that there is darkness in the world does not mean that you have to be negative about it. Instead, when you accept the dark parts of yourself, others, and the world then you can now find ways to make those dark parts better. But, ignoring them will only make them grow until they become unmanageable which causes low self-esteem, pessimism, and a greater amount of depression then normally experienced. People get stressed, people get depressed, people have bad days, people have negative experiences, and when you ignore them they only get worse. The mask of perfection is the worst thing a person can do to themselves and others.

This is not exclusively about physical beauty, there are other ways of emulating perfection that can be damaging. Look at religion, being apart of a religion is not bad, many people have faith in their beliefs and that is fine. But, many people in a religion take on a competition of perfection with the other members. Which is made even worse by the competitive personalities in said religion that look down in disgust at people that show a crack in that perfection. There are people that I consider religious that are very supportive and understanding towards others, but they are also the same people that are open about their own problems and accept the flaws of others. Do you see where I am going with this?

Look at social networks, I personally love Facebook. It is a great place to keep in touch with friends that I don't get to hang out with because of my schedule or location. But, many people use social networks to strength the mask of perfection they have deceived themselves into and force it onto others. I think people should be themselves, darkness and all when they are interacting with people in person, on the phone, texting, emails, and social networks. Everyone has a dark place, everyone has bad days, everyone is not perfect because perfection is impossible to achieve.

This is a geeky example, but it was best described by Agent Smith in 'The Matrix' movie,
"Did you know that the first Matrix was designed to be a perfect human world? Where none suffered, where everyone would be happy. It was a disaster. No one would accept the program. Entire crops were lost. Some believed we lacked the programming language to describe your perfect world. But I believe that, as a species, human beings define their reality through suffering and misery. The perfect world was a dream that your primitive cerebrum kept trying to wake up from. Which is why the Matrix was redesigned to this: the peak of your civilization."

So, in my opinion, if people would accept the flaws of themselves and others, accept that the darkness of the world exists and not try to ignore or mask them then there would be less lies, less stress, less depression, and less self-esteem issues. This doesn't mean that stress, depression, and self-esteem issues will go away entirely. But, it does mean that they will not affect people as negatively as they do when ignored and allowed to increase in intensity until they become unmanageable.

Matty Bipolar II Journal: 03/05/2011

Depression...How does one deal with the lies that the brain tells them? It's not as though my brain hates me, it's only trying to explain as logically as possible the depression created by a lack of chemicals.
The brain will not say,
"oh, looks like my neurons are not getting as many chemical signals as normal and that's why I'm depressed."
Instead, the brain will say,
"okay, since there cannot be anything wrong with me, I guess there is something outside that is affecting my mood. Its probably stress. Nah, I think it's because you are fat and no one can love you unless you look like an underwear model, yeah that's it. Or maybe it's because you don't have the money to day trade your stocks. Oh, no I got it, you were in an accident and life has been shitty with one thing after another for the past few months. Yep, it has to be stress, it can't be chemicals."

This has been a long depression dip so far. Although I am on my way out of it, the depression has lasted 8 days now. Stress didn't cause the depression, but it did prolong it. My normal depression dips, when I am not affected by outside sources, will last about 3 days or less. 3 days is not to hard to deal with, I am able to mentally fight it until the chemicals increase and pull me out. But, if something is affecting my stress level or is emotional then it will lengthen the depression once I am in it. By the 4th day I start to get mentally fatigued and begin to give into the negative thoughts that my brain is bombarding me with. By the 6th day I give up fighting myself, I am mentally worn out, and my patience is lessened. For the rest of the time after that I am quiet and just trying to survive another day as I wait for the rebound to happen. Today is the 8th day, yesterday sucked and I had zero patience. Today is not as bad because I started the rebound and my brain is not attacking me with negative thoughts as often, which is allowing myself to have moments of levity that has been very welcome.

Weight Loss Journal: 3/04/2011

I gained 1.8 lbs this week. Even though I kept my calorie count under my burn amount, the foods I was eating were crap calories and not healthy. Also, the amount I would eat would be higher for the meal and only a couple of meals a day, instead of eating more meals with a smaller portion and more often. I have had a week long depression dip in my Bipolar II and that has contributed a lot to this weeks disappointment. But, my resolve is not gone and I will just pick myself up and try again next week. There are a lot of bumps in the road of life, its how we handle the bumps that makes us who we are. I will not let this defeat me and I will win overall when I reach my goals.

Plausible Deniability of the Dark Fantastical

I created another blog called "Plausible Deniability of the Dark Fantastical" and it will consist of fictional short stories that dive into the fantasies and dark parts of people's minds and experiences. The reason I am making a separate blog for these stories is because the "Matty's Lounge" blog is more about my personal thoughts and experiences, but this blog will be fictional stories. Although some of the fictional stories will be based on my own dark fantasy thoughts, some will be fictional stories based on thoughts or experiences that are not mine and from a point of view that is outside my comfort zone, but might be in the comfort zone for someone else. I am also making it a separate blog because some of the stories will be quite graphically violent, sexual, or both in nature and I want to be able to put a 18+ disclaimer on it so that people that like reading about my personal experiences, but don't want to read these dark fictions, will not have too be exposed to them unless they choose too be.

Everyone has thoughts, experiences, and fantasies that they don't share with many people or just keep to themselves. With these fictional stories I want to show people that they are not alone in their thoughts, everyone has them to one degree or another and I hope to hit all of the different extremes. The reason I am calling it "Plausible Deniability of the Dark Fantastical" is because although I would love to get comments on the stories and have them spark discussions on the varying topics, I also don't mind if people read them and keep it to themselves which gives them a level of plausible deniability of their dark fantasies.

For those that are open minded with their thoughts and would like to send me ideas based on their own experiences, thoughts, or fantasies; I would love to talk to you about them and I promise to never divulge where I got the idea from. Your secrets are safe with me, the stories I write will be strictly fictional and only based on the basic fantasy, experience, or thought.

Movie Review: Unknown

Movie: Unknown
Staring: Liam Neeson and Diane Kruger

Unknown has the feel of a Borne Identity copy and is even known in Germany as "Unknown Identity." Although the similarities are there I still think this movie does well at standing on its own as a good movie. The story flows at a good pace keeping you interested in the characters without giving too much away. Liam Neeson is awesome, as always, and Diane Kruger does well at holding her own with Liam.

The trailer does a good job of showing the tone of the movie. When I went in I was afraid that the action would over shadow the mystery of the story and my fears were put to rest quickly. Don't get me wrong, there are some great action sequences and I gotta say I just love watching Liam Neeson kick ass (Taken is the best movie for Neeson ass kicking).

The directing was good for the dramatic scenes and the car chases, but like most action movies, my biggest complaint is the close up, quick cut, shaky cam fight sequences. Please please please, pull the camera back so we can see the fight and not get motion sickness as we try to figure out what is going on. I loved the production quality and I like when movies film on location, nothing looks better then the real thing.

My Rating (out of 10):  7

Mindlessly Flippant, By Adam Steininger

My brother, Adam Steininger, is a writer and started a blog a few years ago called "Mindlessly Flippant." In it he has short writings of weird nonsense, random thoughts, stories, basically anything that pops in his head at the moment. I use to love reading that blog, but he had stopped writing in it because there were not many people reading it and his school work was increasing which took up most of his time. Today he started writing in it again with his entry, "Filmed Movie."

There is a link to his blog on the right under My Favorite Links. Check it out, I think you will enjoy it!!!

DIRECT LINK: Mindlessly Flippant, By Adam Steininger

Matty Bipolar II Journal: 03/01/2011

I have been stuck in this current depression cycle for 4 days now and I'm not feeling it lightening up soon. I think the reason it is lasting so long this time is because I keep forgetting to take my vitamins and therefore I am not getting the B vitamins that my brain needs to fight the Bipolar II. I am hoping that if I can get back on schedule with my vitamins that the depression will end soon.

I usually do a good job of hiding my depression cycles, most people don't know I'm in one unless I tell them. But, I am starting to lose my composure today. I just don't have the energy to fight it and put on a happy face, as I usually do. If you have been reading my Weight Loss Journal posts then you would know that I am on a self imposed diet right now. One of the things I have observed during this depression is that I am not eating the healthy foods that I should. Although, I am keeping my calorie count for the day under my burn, I am eating crap food that tastes good. I think subconsciously I am doing that in an attempt to comfort myself during the depression. Ironically, eating the crap food is comforting for a min and then the depression gets worse because I feel disappointed that I made a poor food choice. This weeks weight loss will probably be low if not zero, unless my work outs make up for the crap calories I have been having trouble staying away from.

Another reason I think my depression cycle is lasting longer this time around may have been because I've had a bad month. Car accident, injuries, unwanted expenses, and lack of a regular social life has been chipping away at my demeanor. I am ready for a break from the crap and could really use something good to happen soon.

Matty Bipolar II Journal: 02/26/2011

I haven't posted in my Bi-Polar II Journal for a while, because I have been able to take control of it for the most part. My vitamins, diet, and exercise has had me feeling great, even during my depression dips. I do have to say that it is weird (even to me) to say that I am happy during my depressions, but its true. I know I am in the depression because it becomes harder to find the motivation to exercise and I tend to be more quiet in general.

If you have been reading my Weight Loss Journals then you would know that I have been on a diet, created by me, and have been keeping track of my calorie burn/intake. I am finding that it is a lot harder to stay away from junk food when I am in my depression dip. Although I am not depressed or hate myself (quite the contrary, this is the first time in my life that I actually like myself), I am having a hard time avoiding the little things that make me happy like sugar and junk food. I am still keeping track of the calories, but it is hurting my diet even if I stay under my daily calorie intake of 1870.

I am not going to beat myself up over this though. I only lost 1 pound last week because of it, but at least it is a loss. I will just keep moving forward on my diet, because when I am normal and manic it is really easy to make healthy choices. With any diet, you need to give yourself some wiggle room to cheat from time to time. For me I know it will be during my depression dips. Since I am normal and manic more often then depressed during my Bi-Polar cycle, I know over all I will loose weight. I will never look like an underwear model, but at least I will be healthier then I am now and will be able to be active the way that I want to be.

With all choices we make in life, it is always more beneficial to look at things with a positive attitude and never give up. Although life is hard, it doesn't mean that you get to give up. Just because you slip, doesn't mean you're dead and as long as you can keep moving forward, then you will eventually reach your goals. Even if it takes longer then you expected. Everyone has their road blocks, one of mine just happens to be a chemical imbalance in my brain called Bi-Polar II. Learning to live with our road blocks and finding ways to get around them is what makes us strong individuals.

Keep an eye on my Weight Loss Journals and watch me shrink! Despite my road blocks! ;p

Weight Loss Journal: 2/25/2011

I only lost 1 pound this week. Although I have been keeping my calories under my burn amount, I have not been eating the best foods and my portions have been too big. This week I am going to decrease my portion size per meal and eat more often through out the day. I did work out 2 days this week, but I think that I ate too much food after the workout's and negated them. There is also a possibility that my body is in shock from the change and is trying to store fat to prepare which is in turn creating a plateau. Either way, I still need to work on eating healthier foods. Stay tuned for next week to see how things go!

Weight Loss Journal: 2/18/2011

I lost a little over 3 lbs, which is what I thought I would loose. My trainer gave me a tip to help me from hurting my knees, put the treadmill at an incline. It is working, I can get a great workout in and my knees feel fine. I worked myself too much yesterday and was on the treadmill for 2 hours. The time is not a problem, but I allowed my heart rate to hit 175 which is not good. I think in the future I will only do an hour or stop when my heart rate gets over 155, which ever is longer. That plus my weight lifting 3 days a week should give me a great workout and maximize my fat burning. I don't want to work my body too hard because it will freak out and start storing more fat to prepare. I need to make sure I keep to a happy medium of diet and exercise to promote fat burning but not shock my body into storing.

My diet is going well also, I could eat better foods and I am working on increasing my vegetable consumption. I have been making sure that I am eating whole grains, fiber, and protein before my workout and protein after the workout, which is good. That gives you the energy for the workout and also helps heal the muscles. IcyHot has become my friend lol.

The BodyBugg has also helped a lot. It acts like a constant reminder of what I need to do. Instead of a string on my finger, it is a sensor on my left triceps and a watch. When I feel hungry I can just look at it and decide if I need to eat or if I should just have some water for now.

The future is looking good and so will I. ;p

Weight loss Journal: Intro 2/11/2011

To start out, the first picture is me in 1999 when I weighed 450+ lbs and in the picture above I weigh 281.6 lbs. So far I have lost over 170 lbs. Although that is a great weight loss, I want to loose more weight and I am using it as my new before photo.

This week I weighed in at 276.6 lbs for a weight loss of 4.8 lbs. Not bad for a week and taking into account that I could not work out because I am still healing from my car accident 2 weeks ago. Next week I am going to start working out again, only cardio though, I don't think I should be lifting heavy weight with my bruised ribs. In future entries I will be posting part of my spreadsheet that shows my daily calorie intake/burn so you can see what I am doing day to day for my weight loss.

I have tried many diets in the past and every diet pill imaginable. I have found that every diet has two things in common.
1)  I always crash and gain the weight back
2)  They all are made to do the same thing, burn more calories then you intake.
Looking at the first one. Why do I crash and gain all the weight back? Because all of these diets exclude foods that I enjoy and after a while my cravings become to great and I give up and crash. Looking at the second one. Why are there so many different diet fads? Because people do not want to have to think about their weight loss and just want to be told what to do. All of these diets take advantage of one simple truth, one pound of fat has 3500 calories and if you burn more calories in a day then you intake then you will loose weight.

An average male needs to eat 2500 calories a day to maintain their weight because they burn 2500 calories a day just doing their normal activities. An average female needs to eat 2000 calories a day to maintain their weight. Of course, these numbers change depending on your age and current weight, but you get the idea. To loose weight you need to make a deficit between your calorie intake and burn amounts. So, if you want to loose 1 lbs a week then you will want to make a deficit of 500 calories a day (500 * 7 = 3500). To do that you can either eat 500 less calories or burn 500 more calories per day. So, it doesn't matter what diet you are on, you will loose weight if your burn amount is higher then your intake amount.

To keep track of my calorie intake I have an app on my phone, "My Fitness Pal", that I enter the foods and amount I am eating and it keeps track of the calories. To keep track of my calorie burn I bought a Bodybugg with a digital watch (http://my.apexfitness.com/products/product_details.php?item=6009-BBPKG&isbb=Y). It is 90% accurate and uses my height, age, heart rate, body temperature, and a step counter to figure out my current calorie burn. I use this information and plug it into a spreadsheet I created to keep track of my calorie burn and intake for the day and estimate how many lbs I should loose. I also enter in my current weight once a week to figure out my actual weight loss for the week. Starting next week I will be posting those results.

To keep me on my diet I am allowing myself to eat foods I enjoy, I just find lower calorie alternatives and not in the amount that it hurts me. This way I don't crash because I feel deprived of something I like. I love diet coke, but I need to drink much more water, so I am allowing myself to have one or two soda's a day. That way I get what I like but I am also drinking a lot of water otherwise. I also love rice, meat, cheese, and carbo's. I am allowing myself to eat those meals, but in smaller amounts. I am also working on eating healthier, not just smaller amounts of the same foods I use to eat. I have added more salads and raw fruits. But, if you are the person like me that loves salad and puts a lot of dressing on it, be careful. I use a low calorie natural dressing (Annie's Natural Honey Mustard Vinaigrette Light, only 40 calories per serving). I like to make sure my dressings have under 50 calories per serving and I will only use one, maybe two, servings on my salads. I keep my meals around 200 to 400 calories per meal and allow snacks as long as I don't go over 1870 calories a day for the days that I am not active. For the days that I am working out (depending on the amount I work out) I will not go over 2000 to 2500 calories a day.

Thanks to everyone that has been supporting me in my weight loss. It is nice to know what people think and also that my story has inspired some people to also loose weight.

Healthy Recipes: Turkey Wrap

I have been struggling with getting healthy. Although I have lost a lot of weight, I don't feel that I am as healthy as I should be. Today I started working on healthy recipes that I can easily make that will taste good and help get me to my goals. Here is my first recipe, the Turkey Wrap with a total amount of 150 calories.

Ingredients:

1 slice of deli Turkey  (60 calories)
3 oz of shredded Broccoli Cole Slaw Mix  (25 calories)
1 tbl of Litehouse Toasted Sesame Ginger Dressing  (20 calories)
1/4 oz of Sliced Almonds (45 calories)

Directions:

- Lay out the slice of deli turkey.
- Put broccoli cole slaw mix, sliced almonds, and sesame ginger dressing inside the turkey slice.
-  Roll up the deli turkey.
- Enjoy!

Matty Bipolar II Journal: 01/22/2011

Its been a while since I wrote in my Bipolar II Journal. I moved in the beginning of January and haven't really had much to write about. My vitamins have been doing a great job, my waves have been small and manageable and I feel great. I am working too much, but that is my own fault because I am trying to save some money so I can start my Trading career. So, my social life is almost non-existent, I may get to do one fun thing per week, maybe.

The reason I decided to write today though was because I was listening to the radio on my way to work and noticed something interesting. Although the vitamins have helped me deal with my hypersexuality, I have also been listening to a lot of NPR when I drive around and I have found that this also helps decrease my hypersexual thoughts. I discovered this today when NPR did a story that I have heard before, so I switched it to music. I started having some intense hypersexual thoughts right away. I knew music was great for establishing the mood of the listener, but I never associated with hypersexuality before. I found that NPR gives me intellectual information to mull over in my head, on the other hand, music allows my mind to wander and the first place it tends to go to is sex. Since I don't have anyone to express my hypersexuality with right now, I will have to be more aware of my surroundings and how it effects my thoughts.