Matty Bipolar II Journal: 10/30/2010

This depression was easier to deal with than previous ones. I have a theory as to why that is:

• I use to accept the reasons my mind would come up with to explain the depression, but I have been fighting it every cycle for the past couple of months and telling myself that it is a chemical reaction and there is no other reason. I think my mind is starting to accept my explanation, that it is a chemical reaction, as a reason to explain the depression instead of an outside source like money, lack of women, feeling fat, or feeling worthless.

If I am right about this then the depressions will get easier to deal with in the future. I will still have to fight them, but not as hard as I have in the past. I have noticed that because I become lethargic, slow thinking, and lack motivation going into the depression, that the opposite is true when coming out. Every time I am getting out of the depression stage I become more active, think at a normal speed, and my motivation to better myself comes back. What I noticed this time though is that, because the depression was easier to handle, my self confidence is increasing. This increase in my self confidence is also making the motivation to better myself, when coming out of the depression stage, more intense. Today I felt that if I can fight the Bipolar II with the power of my own mind and determination then I also have the mental strength to increase my motivations and determinations in other aspects of my life. I can feel my will power increasing with every cycle I successfully complete.

I am going to put my new increase in self confidence and will power to the test and work on decreasing the amount I smoke, drink more water, eat less, exercise more, and save money. I have learned from my previous attempts to quit smoking that I cannot do it cold turkey, instead I am going to question my motivations to smoke every time I go on a break or have a craving. Over time this will decrease the amount I smoke per day until I get to the point where I don't smoke at all, or more realistically, smoke very occasionally. I drink too much diet soda, I need to increase my water intake by questioning my reasons to pick up a diet soda instead of a water bottle. Not only because it is better for me, but because it cleanses the body and is needed to keep my muscles from cramping when I increase my exercise. I also eat too much, not the amount per meal, the Gastric Bypass fixed that. I do however snack too often, especially at work and I need to cut that out and only eat when I need too, not when I want to or when I am bored. The exercise I want to increase to loose weight obviously, but also it is apart of fighting the Hypersexuality during the manic stage as I stated in previous journal entries. The saving money I want to do to increase my Scottrade account, because trading stocks is my passion and one day I want it to become my career. I would do this by questioning my reasons behind my purchases, "do I really need this and if so why?" If my theory is correct about why my depression stage was easier to handle this time around, then it must also be true that if I fight my mind for these other things that eventually my mind will accept my reasoning and I won't have to fight it as hard. Thus making it easier over time to smoke less, drink water regularly, eat properly, enjoy exercise, and have the money to trade stocks again.

Matty Bipolar II Journal: 10/27/2010 and 10/28/2010

I did well on this last manic stage. I didn't go to any bars, but I did drink on Saturday at the Zombie Crawl 2010 in Denver. I used WOW (World of Warcraft) along with football games as a way of distracting my mind on Sunday which worked very well. My mind was occupied and happy, it kept the dangerous 'bored' feeling my mind gets which is what usually gets me in trouble during my manic stage...aka spending all my money at a strip club or bar or dance club. I also found an exercises that I enjoy and helps expend the energy needed to keep the hypersexuality at bay.

The Zombie Crawl 2010 in Denver was fun. There was over 6000 people there in costumes ranging all over from Zombies to S.W.A.T to Umbrella Corporation Soldier's to Survivors. I decided to go as a zombie with my own unique twist based on Seth Green's character in "Idle Hands". In the movie Seth Green is killed by a broken beer bottle stabbed into his head and he is undead for the rest of the movie with the beer bottle sticking out the side of his skull. A beer bottle is too heavy to glue to my head or a hat so I took it one joke farther and used a diet coke bottle that I glued to my hat and added lots of homemade fake blood. Here is a picture of how I looked:

All of that fake blood you see I had made using corn syrup, water, and food coloring. Well, all that sugar soaked into my skin and when I got to the zombie crawl I had a massive hypoglycemic attack that hit me fast and made me pass out for a couple of seconds, enough to put me on the ground. Luckily I was surrounded by my friends and other nice zombie strangers that got me something to eat to off set the hypoglycemia. After that I was fine for the rest of the day, except for the leg cramps I got from walking around for 4 hours. But, it was all worth it, I had a blast. What I didn't expect was that my costume was a surprise hit. I knew there would be some people that got the reference or would think it was cool. I did not expect to get asked to get my picture taken 40 or 50 times. Some people would just yell out, "Hey, Diet Coke! Can I take your picture?" I must say, I enjoyed the attention and the fact that there were people out there that appreciated the idea as much as I did.

I did not spend any money at the bar this weekend. I did drink a couple of beers and some scotch at the Zombie Crawl. Although I did not get drunk or even tipsy, I was in a feel good zone. This was a promising sign compared to the week before when I spent too much money drinking and allowed the drinking to diminish my ability to handle the last depression stage. Usually if i drink too much on my manic stage it exaggerates the hypersexuality, making it unmanageable, and I end up spending money at the strip bar just to get some female attention (which is obviously a horrible reason to go to a strip bar). So, I was proud of my ability to keep my amount of drinking under control during my manic stage.

As I stated in previous entries in this Bipolar II journal, I restarted my WOW account. Reason being that it will give my mind something to concentrate on making it easier to deal with the waves and decreasing the amount of mental fatigue I get from having to mentally fight my own thoughts during the different stages. Well, while I was playing WOW this weekend I was also trying to think of exercises I can do to equal the amount of energy expulsion needed to lessen the hypersexuality symptoms. I was trying to think of an exercise I would enjoy doing, because if you enjoy the exercise then you are more willing to do it. I thought of what exercises I have seen that I was attracted too, even if I know I can't do it. Running/Jogging has always appealed to me, ever since I was a kid. I use to watch joggers in the neighborhood and be jealous that I could not do that. I started doing some research online for plans that help beginners build up the stamina needed to run/jog long distances. I found a site that gave some great information on how people can start to train to be a runner (http://www.halhigdon.com/beginrunner/plan.htm).

Everything above was written on the 27th at work and at home. I went to bed and when I woke up I felt lazy and lethargic which shows me that I am moving into the depression stage. So, this entry is going to include the 28th also. Here is where I am now and then I will continue with my previous thought:

Now that I got that out of the way, moving onto my previous thought.

Anyway, the exercise did a really good job of helping make the hypersexuality more manageable. There was also an effect I didn't expect in that the exercise gave me something to concentrate on and helped calm my mind also. It is working great for the manic stage and although I am sure it would help the depression stage, it is hard to exercise. It was nice outside today and I should have gone to do my walk/jog, but I was not able to get enough motivation to do it. So, it looks like I will be doing the exercise when I am normal and manic. I'm going to continue to try to get out and do some exercise in my depression stage, but it is going to be very difficult to get the energy to do it. We will see how tomorrow goes.

Matty Bipolar II Journal: 10/22/2010

As you may have read in my last journal entry, I gave up alcohol for a couple of cycles to see if the odd occurrence of hypersexuality during the depression stage was a fluke or caused by alcohol. Well, I didn't have anymore problems for the second half of the depression stage so that is a positive sign. In the future I may have to avoid alcohol during my depression stages, unless I am with a woman that will satisfy the hypersexuality needs that the alcohol may cause. I was normal for the past two days and that was nice, it was good to be able to relax and calm my life down a bit as I prepare for my next manic stage.

In my preparations I was thinking of things, cheap things, that I can do to occupy my mind and keep it busy so I don't get bored and try to spend money I don't have. I am going to try the breathing and meditation techniques I mentioned in my previous journal entry on the last manic cycle. I also restarted my WOW (World Of Warcraft) account, I haven't played it in two years and never thought I would play again, but here I am reactivating it. I never took the game seriously when I played before and I won't take it seriously now. I use it as a distraction, a way of giving my mind something to concentrate on when I'm bored so that I don't go out looking for something to do. So far it has been working, but the real test will be over the next couple of days when I get full into my manic stage.

Since I have been mentally working hard at controlling my Bipolar II, I have also been thinking about other things about myself that I consider in need of stronger mental control. These are things I will start to work on and will get serious about controlling after I get better about controlling my Bipolar II. One of the things I want to control better is my eating. Even though I had a Gastric Bypass surgery which does great at keeping the amount of food I can eat low, I am still using food to make myself feel better by snacking too often. I want to only eat when I need to eat to sustain my energy and nutrition, not just eat because I am depressed or bored. Another thing I want to control better is my amount of exercise. I will work out (lift weighting, jogging, walking, biking, hiking, racquetball, etc...) erratically when I feel like it, but not on a normal schedule. This is probably the first thing I will work on because I will be using it to help control the hypersexuality in my manic stage. The last thing I want to work on is procrastination. I will put off things I should do because I am not in the mood. I want to be able to make myself do things that I want to get done when I have time to do it, not when I'm bored enough to get to it.

I know that I only listed three things to control. Although there are more things about myself I would like to fix, I think that fixing those main three will have a trickle down effect to the smaller things that I would like better control of. For example, my low self-esteem, my self image, my daytrading career, my smoking habit, my diet soda habit, etc...

Matty Bipolar II Journal: 10/19/2010

Yesterday threw me for a loop, a loopidy loopy loop. On Saturday I ended my night at work in the beginning stages of manic and was prepared to handle the fast paced mind and Hypersexuality. But, when I woke up on Saturday night to go to work, I felt fine, just like the normal stage. I was confused and thought that maybe the manic stage I had on Saturday morning was an early stage and that the main part would show up yesterday. Instead, I never got manic again and stayed normal for Sunday and Monday. On Monday night I was confused again because I started the depression stage. I must have slept through the manic stage on Saturday and it must have only lasted 12 hours on this cycle, instead of the usually 2 days as before.

I was confused even more when I was walking home from the bar (Coyote Ugly) and was feeling the Hypersexuality. This should be impossible because the manic stage causes the Hypersexuality. It takes a lot of mental energy to fight the depression and now I was confused by the unusual Hypersexuality. That confusion took my concentration away from fighting the depression and turned my attention into trying to figure out what was going on. Before I knew it the depression took hold in the background spiraling me down quickly to where I am right now. So at that point I was not only Hypersexual, but I was also hating myself in a semi-bad depression. Not a good mix. Luckily I have some great friends that I was talking to online and texting at 3 am and they helped me calm my mind down enough for me to get a couple hours of sleep today.

There is one of two things that happened yesterday. Either my Hypersexuality is not connected to my Bipolar II (very unlikely) or it was the alcohol I had Monday night that caused it. I am going to have to stop drinking for a few cycles to see. I also want to make sure that I have my cycles figured out and controlled better before I drink again. When I do start to drink again I will have to test it during different times in my cycle to see when I should avoid alcohol.

Matty Bipolar II Journal: 10/17/2010

I started the manic stage today and will be putting my new theories to the test later on today. I will explain them a little later. The best way for someone to deal with the Bipolar waves is to first get good at recognizing them at the earliest stage possible. The depression was easy to recognize because I started to feel lazy and then directly after that would start to have the depressed thoughts. As soon as I felt lazy during my day to day routine I would start to prepare my mind to fight the untrue reasons my brain would come up with to explain the depression. Manic is harder to recognize, because it is a positive emotion, happy. But, on this time around I figured that since I get lazy before the depression then maybe the opposite is true. In a way it is, I found that because my mind was moving faster that I was getting bored very quickly during my day to day routine. Shorty after I started to feel bored the hypersexuality thoughts snuck in. Now that I have figured out how to recognize the very beginning of the manic stage I can better prepare myself to stifle the symptoms.

When I am depressed my mind is moving slower and I only have one thing to fight. Although it's mentally draining, it is easier then dealing with the manic. When I am manic my mind is racing quickly and I also have to deal with the hypersexuality. So, there are two things I have to fight on the manic stage. Before I was manic I started to think of things I could do to offset the symptoms.

For the symptoms of my mind racing I thought about calming techniques. The theory I am going to try is breathing and meditation techniques. When I notice that I am having trouble concentrating because my mind is racing I will stop what I'm doing, stare at a point in front of me, and breath deep and slow (in through the nose and out through the mouth). I will do this about five times or more, until I feel calmer.

The hypersexuality part is harder to deal with. I thought about what satisfies the hypersexuality. Could it be an orgasm? No, I don't think so, because when I have been hypersexual in the past I could orgasm three times in a day and still want more. In the past I wasn't satisfied until after four or six hours (sometimes more) of sex (with breaks every 45 mins to an hour of course) and I was too worn out to continue. Therefore, it must be the energy expended during the act that calmed down the hypersexuality and not the orgasms. So, I've decided to work out when I am feeling hypersexual, jogging and weight lifting. If I work out hard enough it should equal the energy expended after six or more hours of sex and help curb the need. I foresee myself working out hard for three days out of the week, unless I find a woman that is willing to expend the energy the fun way. ;p

I will post again after my manic stage is over and let everyone know how it went.

Matty Bipolar II Journal: 10/15/2010

I got out of my depression dip yesterday and in past observations, as long as I don't have outside stress, my stages are about 2 days each. As you can see from my crude picture, I am normal right now and expecting to move into manic by the weekend.

I am getting better at dealing with the depression dip. Since I currently don't have anything major in my life to be depressed about, my mind will try to create reasons for the feeling. The same thing happens in a dream state, the brain has to have an explanation for unexplained events. If you put someone into a hypnotic state and ask them about their past life the subconscious will treat the question as it would in a dream and create a answer that is plausible. This is why a person put into a hypnotic state multiple times will learn more about their past life, because when asked again about their past life the brain will build on the original story it came up with to answer the new questions. So, when my brain is not producing enough Dopamine and slides into a chemical depression the brain will try to explain it by making up plausible stories. To fight this phenomenon I will constantly question my thoughts and come up with reasons why that plausible story cannot be true. This stops my brain from falling deeper into the depression keeping it mild, but it takes a lot of mental energy to keep it up. Because of that I become extremely mentally fatigued and everything else I have to think about (conversations, trouble shooting computers at work, and other normal activities) become slower. It is just like a computer running slow because too many programs are running at the same time and over taxing the CPU. I just have to keep up the mental battle for a couple of days until the Dopamine levels increase and pull me out of the depression. Although it drains my energy away, it is better then allowing my mind to accept the depressed thoughts which would throw me into a deeper depression making me lethargic. Also, if I allow the untrue depressed thoughts to take hold then my anger would increase and I don't like to feel angry, especially for no reason. So, I may be mentally drained, but I am not angry or as lethargic as I could be.

In my last entry, Intro and Description, I mentioned that my sex drive decreases during my depressions. I talked about how my motivation goes away and I won't initiate sex, but would be okay if someone else initiates it. Well, I was talking to someone that pointed out to me that there have been many times that I still did not get in the mood even after she initiated sex while I was depressed. This observation made me rethink my position. I am just now starting to understand my depression cycle and in the past did not understand what was going on, that mixed with the other stresses may have made my motivation even less then it is in my current depressions. I think that because I have now understood the depression side enough to fight it, I may not have a motivation level that was as low as it was before. I think that if I had a woman initiated sex during my depression now I would accept it better then I did in the past. But, I have not tested this theory yet so I cannot say for sure. For now I am going to have to take back what I said before and not say that I would definitely be all about it if a woman initiates sex during my depression. Until I am offered the opportunity to test it in reality with my newly developed counter actions.

I still have some more work to do on my depression stages and only get 2 days a week to do that. At the moment though I am pretty confident in my ability to fight the depression and keep it pretty mild. Manic counter action is a different story. I am still having a difficult time dealing with my manic stages. The reason it is easier to counter act the depression is because my mind is running slower and I have time to fight it. The manic stage is the opposite, my mind is racing quickly as if I am in a temporary ADHD state and I have not figured out how to slow down my thought processes enough to mentally fight my Hypersexual thoughts and actions. Also, unlike the negative feelings of depression that anyone would want to fight, the manic stage is very happy and feels fun for the most part. That makes it harder to fight. Who wants to be less happy and less sexual? I have another day or so until my manic stage starts and I am working on a couple of different theories to counter act it. We will see what happens!

Matty Bipolar II Journal: Intro and description

Hello everyone, I have Bipolar II and going through self exploration and research on my disorder to allow myself to effectively handle my waves without medication. I wanted to start this journal for a couple of reasons:

1) It will help me to organize my thoughts and allow me to be more effective in my approach on how to handle the constant fluctuations.

2) Other people that are dealing with any type of Bipolar will know that they are not alone and can read my experiences, thoughts, and approaches to help them understand their own form of Bipolar and how to effectively deal with it.

3) For normal people that have loved ones with Bipolar or in a relationship with someone that is Bipolar. So they can get a glimpse of what it is like to live with this disorder and can better understand what they are going through, how to recognize where they are in their cycle, and figure out ways to deal with the waves. Because it is very hard for Bipolar people to keep relationships without an understanding partner that is willing to help them through.

What is Bipolar? Bipolar (previously known as Manic Depression) is a disorder where the neurons in the Brain do not have a steady flow of neurotransmitters between them. Neurotransmitters are chemical messengers that move nerve impulses between neurons. Inhibitory Neurotransmitters, Serotonin and Gamma Amnibutyric Acid (GABA), calm the brain to help create balance. Excitatory Neurotransmitters, Epinephrine and Norepinephrine, stimulate the brain. There is also the Neurotransmitter, Dopamine, which can act as both Inhibitory and Excitatory. What happens is the body does not produce these neurotransmitters at a steady pace. Instead the chemical Neurotransmitter are not produced properly. During manic stages, the brain does not produce GABA and Norepinephrine properly. During depression stages, the brain does not produce enough Dopamine. This ongoing cycle of uneven production is called Bipolar Disorder because of the two extreme poles of manic and depression. Antidepressant medication increases Dopamine, but does not affect GABA or Norepinephrine. This is why you cannot give antidepressant medication to a Bipolar person. Because it will help the depression stages, but make the manic stages worse. Well, there are different types of Bipolar with smaller differences depending on the personality of the person affected. Bipolar I and II are similar in the wave formations of manic/depression, but Bipolar I has more extreme poles and therefore more severe then Bipolar II.

Here is a little history on me and my form of Bipolar. I was diagnosed with Bipolar II when I was 19 and was put on Tegretol, a mood stabilizing drug, to keep me even. Outside sources can affect Bipolar waves by exaggerating them or making them last longer then normal. I was bullied pretty bad as a teenager and the trauma had increased the intensity of my waves so much that they became unmanageable and I was fighting thoughts of suicide on a weekly basis. I was on Tegretol for 10 years, stopping the drug when I was 29 and have been off medication for the past 2 1/2 years.

Because I do not have to deal with the amount of stress I did when I was a teenager my waves are not as intense as they use to be and therefore more manageable. If I do not have any bad outside stresses then my wave will complete about once a week. Each part of the wave (normal, manic, normal, depressed) will last about 2 days each, plus or minus half a day. In the next part of this journal entry I will walk you through what my thoughts and experiences are with the 3 levels, or what I call the 3 personalities, of my Bipolar II.

Normal

My normal personality is a quintessential nice guy, I treat people as I would want to be treated. I naturally have a calm demeanor, I stay calm in most situations because a cool head can handle situations better then a hot head. I am intrigued by intelligent conversation, a good intelligent discussion with someone that can respect a different opinion without it affecting the relationship with that person is very important to me. I like to learn new things and experience anything that I have not before. I use logic as a way of making decisions and forming opinions. I like to be spontaneous but don't get to be very often due to work and money. I have a normal sleep schedule and can usually get about 8 hours. I am also a mild sex addict, I think about sex often and want to have sex on a regular basis.

Manic

My manic personality is very high energy, I talk faster jumping from one idea to another as if I have ADHD. I have trouble looking in the same place for too long and sometimes darting my eyes trying to absorb as much visual information as possible. I am super happy and crave fun experiences, easily becoming the 'life of the party' type of person. I crave attention and like to be around people, drinking, laughing, being in the middle of discussions, and being touched. I have trouble sleeping, my mind is racing with thoughts and cravings. So, I end up getting only a couple of hours of sleep at a time, 2 hours here - 2 hours there - etc... Also, some Bipolar II people, like me, have Hypersexuality. I crave sex constantly and temporarily become a sex addict. The upside to Hypersexuality

Depression

My depression personality is quiet, I don't talk very much and when I do it is slower and softer. I become more lethargic and loose motivation to do things unless I have someone, friends or partner, that will invite me to things or ask me to do something with them. Because my depression is all chemical there is no real reason to explain the depression. So, my mind will try to give me reasons to explain the depression. To fight this I have to constantly question myself and fight my own mind, using logic to disprove the reasons my mind comes up with. This become very mentally draining which although keeps my depression pretty mild, it does add to the lethargic feeling. I have trouble going to sleep but can get in more sleep then during the manic stage. Sometimes I can sleep more then manic and normal, other times I get as little as the manic stage, but for different reasons. Also, my sex drive changes. Because I am so mentally drained, my sex drive decreases. Although I still want sex, I don't have the motivation or energy to initiate it or seek it out. But, if a girl is forward enough and initiates it with me then I am all for it and will perform.

In the future I am going to be posting journal entries about my Bipolar II, what's going on, what my thoughts are about, and theories I have to fix those issues. Please leave comments if you wish with suggestions, general comments, and thoughts.

MattFeed: 10/12/2010 Pulled Turkey and Rice

I am trying to eat what is in my house instead of buying more food. Because of the Gastric Bypass I can't eat very much and a lot of food goes bad before I can get to it, unless I can freeze it. Well, I bout a half pint of milk the other day so that I can make some chocolate pudding, mmmm that turned out good. I only used 3 cups of the milk and had a cup left. I wanted to come up with something I could cook with that last cup of milk as to not waste it by letting it go bad. This is what I came up with, don't ask me how I got to this because I truly don't know. ;p

Ingredients:

1 cup  Milk
1 cup  Water
2 cups  Beef Broth
1 stick  Butter
Olive Oil
Garlic or Garlic Powder
Salt and Pepper
Oregano
2 cups Jasmin Rice
Left over Turkey Breast

Directions:

- Bring beef broth, milk, water, olive oil, and half the stick of butter to a boil
- Add jasmine rice, garlic, salt/pepper, and oregano
- In skillet add some olive oil, other half of the stick of butter, and the left over turkey breast
- Stir fry the turkey breast to taste while pulling the meat apart
- Add fried turkey breast to the rice
- Enjoy!