Matty Bipolar II Journal: 12/24/2010

Today I have been going through some of my older writings to give myself a reference of how far I've come in my exploration of Bipolar II. These writings I used to try and express my emotions and thoughts so that I could get them down on paper and organize them, as to understand them. I wrote the following entry back in the spring of 2009 and I thought it would be good to add to my Bipolar II Journal.

Movie Theater

The sinking feeling in my stomach hits when I hear the sound of air breaks in the distance telling me that the bus is close, just on the other side of the hill. The low growl of the engine kicks in making my stomach twinge. I look up and see that old, grimy, loud, yellow bus come over the hill heading towards me. Watching the transport to hell come my way makes me feel like a soldier at war time watching an enemy’s tank barreling across the field of battle with cannon ablaze.

The yellow hell transport stops in front of our group waiting to gather us like cattle for the slaughter. As the driver opens the door the sound of idiots permeates my head, giving me a headache. I step up and find a seat as close to the front as possible because the kids that make fun of me or join in the regular beatings I get every week like to sit in the back of the bus. I can only guess that they think they are cool if they can sit back there. I don’t understand how that makes you cool, but as long as they stay in the back it allows me to keep away from them which is just fine by me. Looking out of the bus window at Silver Spring, Maryland I can see a busy collage of people, cars, and buildings. The people of my hometown wander from one area to another like mindless drones of an ant colony. In the Metro area of Washington D.C most of the residents will say 'D.C.' and not 'Silver Spring' as though it is a badge of honor when asked 'where are you from?’ In their defense, Silver Spring is basically in D.C. and crime is the same.

School is close. I can feel it in my gut. Dread fills me along with the feeling that I am going to throw up as Einstein High School comes into view. Leaving the bus I can hear the ‘cool kids’ in the back making fat jokes and pig sounds. Relief comes over me as I see my best friend Chris; he is the only thing that keeps me going while I am in hell. We like to play Dungeons and Dragons, paint pewter figurines, talk about all the girls we like, and all the geeky stuff that interests us. Today’s discussion went to the new movie Jurassic Park. It is Friday and the movie just came out. Chris and I decide to skip school to see it.

To get off the school grounds we need to go around the back and cross the football field. On our trek around the school, many things bring back unwanted memories. The brick wall where I broke my arm because I got pushed into it, the field on the side of the school where everyone eats lunch and where I get jumped on a regular basis (before, during, and after school), and finally the football field. I have mixed feelings about being here. I have been beaten up many times here, but it is also the place were I got a little revenge. When I started going here this year the head football coach asked me to join the football team. At the time I thought it was a good idea, until I found out that all the kids that liked to join in and help out with my regular beatings all through middle school were also on the football team. I decided to leave the football team and join the golf team. Our school was the laughing stock of the county because the biggest kid in our school was not playing football, but instead playing golf. Plus, they never won a game after my short stint. The five of us on the golf team came out on this field during the pep rally. It felt great that I was bigger than everyone on the football team even with their pads on. I was playing golf instead of helping them win games, but I also don’t like the football field because there is still a stigma looming around ever since that girl last week was raped here during school hours. Everyone knows who did it, but as far as I know there haven’t been any charges brought up against them. Either the girl is too scared to come forward, or she really doesn’t know who did it because they hid their faces.

At the end of the football field we hop a small fence that links to the parking lot of an elementary school. I don’t know anyone that went to this school, but I see kids here all the time. Either they ship them to another school when they get to ninth grade, or this is a private school. On the other side of the parking lot is the local McDonald's. My stomach is feeling better the farther away from Einstein we get and food sounds like a good idea. Food helps me cope with my abuse, it also keeps me fat. I have a love-hate relationship with food, but right now I need it to relax and calm my mind.

After lunch Chris and I cross the street to the Mall. Wheaton Plaza is our local mall and it is a ghetto mall. When I was younger it had no roof and the movie theater was just added last year. We buy our tickets, get a soda, popcorn, and grab our normal seats which are five rows from the front and in the middle. The feeling of dread that I started this day with has gone away as Chris and I talk about movies and eat our popcorn; laughing and making jokes all the way up to when the previews start. As the lights go down I finally feel relaxed. The movie theater is the only place, besides home, that I feel safe and comfortable.

Explication of Financial Regulation

The greed of the financial institutions in our country caused the current recession. Financial derivatives have been around for a while but they were turned into a negative object when a new financial tool was created called credit default swaps. Although derivatives have been around for a long time, at least they were still regulated. The regulation ended at the end of 2000 and ever since then derivatives were used to make a quick dollar with no regard to the possible consequences. Derivatives are not the only thing to blame for our current recession, but they accelerated and exaggerated the problems to make the recession far worse then it would have been.
A derivative, according to investopedia.com, is a “security whose price is dependent upon or derived from one or more underlying assets. The derivative itself is merely a contract between two or more parties”. Anything can be put into a derivative which makes them large and complicated to find its true underlying value. Subprime loans and credit default swaps are two of the many things included in a derivative that make them so dangerous, when they are not regulated. Subprime loans are defined by investopedia.com as “a type of loan that is offered at a rate above prime to individuals who do not qualify for prime rate loans”. These loans are given out to people that have lower credit and are more at risk to default than people that would qualify for a prime loan. Investopedia.com defines a credit default swap as, “A swap designed to transfer the credit exposure of fixed income products between parties”. A Credit default swap is the most complicated aspect of most derivatives. They are practically insurance policies on loans that allow the buyer to gamble on whether or not the owner of the loan will default. There are laws that protect the economy against insurance policies, but not credit default swaps.

A certain amount of easily accessible money that is not tied up in assets, also known as liquid money, must be held by the insurance policy holder to back up the policy. This protects the economy by making sure that the companies are able to pay out on those policies if needed, even if there is a large influx of policies that need to be paid out at one time. The problem with credit default swaps is that there are no laws protecting the economy if a large amount of loan defaults occur. Therefore a company does not have to have any liquid money to back up those types of policies and if too many of them need to be paid out at once then those companies holding the credit default swaps will not have the liquid money necessary. The type of loan that was used many times in those credit default swaps were subprime loans, this created a market for subprime loans. The banks gave out to many subprime loans to people that could not afford them which inevitably increased the amount of foreclosures until the market could not handle it anymore and the subprime market crashed.

NPR had an interview with a man named Frank Partnoy, called Frank Partnoy: Derivative Dangers, and in it he talked about how he sold derivatives for 2 years in the mid 1990’s for Morgan Stanley. He went on to talk about how they would make their derivatives so complicated that the buyer couldn’t understand them which gave them the freedom to sell them for extremely large prices. Some of the reasons why these derivatives were so complicated were the introduction of the credit default swaps. Those complicated derivatives were made attractive to buyers by convincing the credit agencies to rate them AA or AAA. The bad aspect of this is that the government turns to these credit agencies for regulation, but their validity is diminished as they are paid for their opinions and ratings. According to Frank Partnoy, this makes it difficult to regulate when the credit agencies that are relied on to regulate are paid highly for their ratings.

Derivatives used to be important financial tools that were used with respect and helped stimulate economies. Derivatives used to be much harder to put together because they took a long time to acquire the amount of assets needed to make the derivative large and attractive to sellers, but with the deregulation of the derivatives and addition of the credit default swaps derivatives became fast and easy to make. By adding credit default swaps to derivatives the financial institutions were able to decrease the amount of assets needed by filling up half of a derivative with un-backed insurance policies on assets in that derivative. This made it faster to make than acquiring the amount of assets needed to make a derivative package large enough to sell. This formed a new problem. The derivatives were being produced so fast that the sellers were having a harder time finding assets creating a market for subprime loans which the banks were more than happy to give out in greater numbers then ever before. With the increase of subprime loans came an increase in foreclosures and eventually the subprime market crashed. When the subprime market crashed the insurance companies (like AIG) had to pay out on the credit default swaps they made on subprime loans. Since their credit default swaps were not backed by any liquid money a vacuum was created that took liquidity out of the market and pushed us into the recession we are currently in.

The phenomenon is discussed in a Wall Street Journal article by Steven Gjerstand and Vernon L. Smith titled From Bubble to Depression? In that article they write, “The price decline started in 2006. Then policies designed to promote the American dream instead produced a nightmare. Trillions of dollars of mortgages, written to buyers with slender equity, started a wave of delinquencies and defaults. Borrowers' losses were limited to their small down payments; hence, the lion's share of the losses was transmitted into the financial system and it collapsed”. Democrat Rep. Gary Ackerman talked to AIG executives during the recent congressional meetings and he explained to them how absurd credit default swaps are, by saying, “There’s a great company called, ‘I Can’t Believe Its Not Butter’. At least they have the decency to tell you it’s not butter. I mean, this is insurance without being insurance because if they called it insurance they have to have money to pay you off. But, they don’t have the money to pay you off and their calling it credit default swaps because if they called it, ‘I Can’t Believe Its Not Insurance’, maybe nobody would buy it!” Rep. Ackerman went on to say that congress makes the laws and provide oversight, but they rely on the credit agencies for regulation. Although it is funny, this video also shows that the government relied on the credit agencies for regulation, the same credit agencies that get paid for their AA and AAA ratings as stated earlier. Having the credit agencies also be the regulators of the market is a conflict of interest and regulation should be in the hands of the Federal Reserve or a separate government funded agency that does not receive money from the financial companies that are affected by that regulation.

In 1985 the creation of ISDA (International Swaps and Derivatives Association) started the deregulation of derivatives lobby. Frank Partnoy talks about ISDA, and the people that worked for them that were able to eventually deregulate derivatives, in his NPR interview, Frank Partnoy: Derivative Dangers. According to Frank Partnoy the three major lobbyists are Wendy Gramm, Mark Brickle, and Senator Phil Gramm. When Wendy Gramm became a part of ISDA she started the aggressive lobby to deregulate derivatives. Later, she went on to become a board member of Enron. Mark Brickle also worked for ISDA and drafted legislation that helped deregulate derivatives. Brickle was not a lawmaker but was brought in by lawmakers as a consultant because the derivatives were so complicated. According to Frank Partnoy, “Senator Phil Gramm cemented the deregulation of derivatives”. Partnoy goes on to explain that Senator Phil Gramm added the provision to deregulate derivatives in the evening before the Christmas break; it was never debated in the house or the senate. Partnoy talked about the final step to deregulate derivatives which happened in the year 2000 and that “it (the provision) was shoved into an 1100 page omnibus budget bill and was unanimously passed by congress with no vote on December 14th and signed by Clinton on December 21st”. For the past eight years the financial institutions have been able to do whatever they wanted with derivatives ignoring the possible consequences for their actions just so that they could maximize profits.

In 2006 housing prices started to decline and then subprime foreclosures increased to a point where the subprime market eventually crashed. Credit default swaps on had to be paid off which took liquidity out of the economy. Once the liquidity was gone and debt increased in these insurance companies and financial institutions, individuals moved their money out of the stock market and into safer investments. As the stock market goes down people that did not move money watch as their investments plummet and their pensions (401k, IRA, etc…) decrease in value. Now everyone has to tighten their budgets, save money, and not spend as much. This affects the rest of the companies in the economy that depend on spending and has nothing to do with loans, derivatives, or credit default swaps. Many companies now have huge debt to profit ratios and have to make massive employee cutbacks to make up the difference. With unemployment increasing, liquidity gone, pensions decreasing in value, and the real estate and stock markets falling to their lowest values in decades it has now pushed our country into a deep recession.

Derivatives used to be a financial tool that was useful and made money but was not abused because there was regulation. The Cato Institute states in their article 10 Myths About Financial Derivatives, that derivatives have been used for years and that the first known derivative is written about by Aristotle in his story about Thales, who was a philosopher living poor in Miletus that created a “financial device, which involves a principle of universal application" (Aristotle). In that article The Cato Institute writes about many myths and the over all arguments is that derivatives are not new, help control risk, are used by many (not just large corporations), the risks are known ahead of time, and that banning them could hurt the economy. For the most part The Cato Institute is correct when saying derivatives do help control risk and help the economy by increasing liquidity that lenders can use to make loans, but the derivatives should be regulated. Zachary Karabell talks about that in his Newsweek article, The Case for Derivatives, where he writes about a Yale economist named Robert Shiller who describes derivatives as, “merely a risk-management tool the same way insurance is”. Also, derivatives help the economy when used well, but recently they have not been used correctly. Shiller warns those that are trying to get President Obama to banish derivatives, that it will “get us nowhere” (Karabell).

These articles show that the problems that arise with derivatives do not make them evil financial tools, in fact they are very helpful financial tools, but that the greed of the financial institutions that created them abused the privilege by getting derivatives deregulated so that they could maximize profits and increase the speed in which they could be created. When derivatives are properly regulated and priced correctly to reflect the risks involved then derivatives are a financial tool that has been proven to increase wealth of the investor and boost the economy. The financial institutions created credit default swaps, deregulated derivatives, and increased the subprime market to a size that was unmanageable. Greed is a strong motivator and usually results in self-interested decisions, the financial institutions in this country have proven that. Hopefully in the future they will have learned their lesson and will be more mindful in the future of their possible impacts on the economy, but it is doubtful. When the current recession is over and people become comfortable and complacent then greed will take over again and the financial institutions will find something new to make as much money as possible without considering the possible negative impacts on the economy. There will be other recessions, many recessions. Let’s just hope the average hardworking person and average investors learn our lesson for next time and not trust the financial institutions as much as we did before.


Works Cited:

Investopedia ULC, "Dictionary." 2009. Investopedia ULC. Web.16 June 2009. http://www.investopedia.com/dictionary/default.asp

Partnoy, Frank. "Frank Partnoy: Derivative Dangers." NPR.org 25 March 2009 Web.17 June 2009. http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=102325715

Gjerstand, Steven and Vernon L. Smith. "From Bubble to Depression?." Wall Street Journal 06 April 2009 Web.17 June 2009. http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123897612802791281.html

Rep. Ackerman, Gary. "Lashing out at AIG." CNN Video. 2009. CNN. Web.18 June 2009. http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/politics/2009/03/18/sot.akerman.aig.default.cnn?iref=videosearch

Karabell, Zachary. "The Case for Derivatives." Newsweek 24 Jan 2009 Web.27 Jun 2009. http://www.newsweek.com/id/181266

Siems, Thomas F. "10 Myths About Financial Derivatives." Cato Institute 11 Sep 1997 Web.27 Jun 2009. http://www.cato.org/pubs/pas/pa-283.html

Aristotle, translated by Benjamin Jowett. The Great Books of the Western World. vol 2. Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1952. Print.

Matty Bipolar II Journal: 12/23/2010

The vitamins are still working. I am still happy and like myself during this depression. But, I know I am in a depression because I am lethargic and have been having some very violent thoughts.

In the past when I had violent thoughts during a depression it was usually because the hatred I had of myself would come true. For example, I would have thoughts that someone would cause me trouble because of something I hated about myself, like being fat, worthless, ugly, stupid, or not deserving of love and then I would rage and hurt that person. Then the thought would reoccur over and over with different outcomes of me hurting that person is different violent ways. This would increase my anger with every cycle of the violent thought, turning into rage, and validating my self loathing. It would become a self fueling, run away effect of ever increasing anger.

Today is the first time that I had violent thoughts since I started liking myself and eliminated the self loathing. So, even though my thoughts are violent, they are not because of a hatred of myself is being validated. Instead my violent thoughts are that of protecting women that I care about (a friend or lover) from men that are harassing them. In a weird way, even my violent thoughts are kind of positive, in that, I am protecting others and not fighting against my personal hatred.

In real life I am going on a 12 day vacation starting on Christmas Day. I am considering going to Estes Park sometime next week, its been a while since I've been there. My violent thoughts have been involving me being in Estes Park with a girl, hanging out and window shopping in the stores. As we are looking around one of the stores, two guys come over to the girl I am hanging out with and start trying to hit on her. I wait to see if she is interested in one of them, but I quickly realize that she doesn't want to talk to them. So, I walk over pretending to show her something I found and say "hi" to the two guys just to let them know that she is with me and not interested in them. They nod and then proceed to get more aggressive with their flirting. I put my arm in front of her and gently guide her behind me as I step in between her and the two guys. One of the guys tries to go around me to touch her, so I put him in a head lock and squeeze until he passes out. I drop his limp unconcious body to the ground and look at the other guy as I say,
"We are going to leave. If you bother us again I'm not going to just knock you out, I'm gonna go straight to breaking as many bones as I can grab."
Then I take her hand and walk her out of the store. I make sure she is okay and then take her somewhere else to hopefully continue our fun day.

This is when the thought repeats itself as the violence increases with every cycle. We are back in the store, everything happens the same until the guy tries to reach around me. This time I wrap my left arm around his neck from the front putting his chin in my armpit. Having a hold of his right arm, I twist his wrist in and break his arm on my knee and then drop him to the ground. Then I tell the other guy a similar threat, take the girls hand, walk her out, and continue our day.

The thought cycles through again, but this time I beat the shit out of the first guy and threaten the second guy. The cycle happens again, this time I break the neck of the first guy and beat the shit out of the second guy. The cycle happens again and again and again, each time I hurt the two guys in different ways. Sometimes its less violent, other times its more violent. In all the cycles though the theme is the same, I am protecting the girl.

This is still a disturbing thought cycle, since I don't like to be a violent person. I prefer to talk myself out of the situation or notice that it is about to happen and just avoid it all together. In an odd way this is a break though for me, in that, this validates the fact that I actually DO like myself. Because, my brain has to come up with a different reason for my mind to accept that this is a plausible reason for me to get violent. Protecting someone I care about is an actual reason for me to get violent in real life, so it makes sense that my brain would use that to be able to have the violent thought cycle.

Super Sexy Sitzman Salsa

Last week I went to hang out with some friends of mine. When I showed up one of them, Josh, was making his Uber Salsa. I'm usually not a big fan of salsa, but I gathered my courage and tried some. OH MY GOD! It was the best salsa i've ever had. Later, I mentioned that we should add some cheese...and bam! The best queso i've ever had. Here is Josh's recipe.

Ingredients:

2 Jalapenos
1 small onion
1 bell pepper
1 habanero [if you like it hot leave the seeds in.
2 small cans of fire roasted diced tomatoes
1 small can rotel [medium]
juice from 1 lime
1 small can tomato sauce
2-3 cloves garlic
salt and pepper to taste

Directions:

- Pretty much just dice every up all the vegetables and throw all the ingredients in a blender .
- The only thing I do different is broil the Jalapeno and garlic in an oven.
- Then, steam the Jalapenos for about 5 minutes until the skin is easy to remove.
- For Queso just add some Velveta to the salsa into a pot and melt at low heat.
- Enjoy!

Matty Bipolar II Journal: 12/12/2010

I think that there are 3 types of happiness. The level of happiness in your relationships (friends and family), romantic relationships, and in yourself. The amount of happiness is not the same amount for all three types. For example a person can be happy in their relationships and not be happy in their romantic relationship or they can be happy in their romantic relationship and not have any happiness in themselves. The feeling of "happy" is a relative emotion, therefore it that cannot be quantified by someone other then the person experiencing the emotion. Unless there is a reference for the outside observer to give the statement substance and meaning. So, when I say that I am currently the happiest I have ever been in my entire life, I will need to give you a little background and explanation to give my statement some substance.

5th grade is when it all started. I was bigger then the other kids and being different meant that I got to be pushed around and made fun of. At first it started small, a comment or a dirty look of disgust. Then, one day the school was outside playing a large dodge ball game and I hit this kid named Mike with the dodge ball. He was pissed off that the fat kid had knocked him out of the game and decided to attack me. As soon as I hit him with the dodge ball he ran up to me and pushed me to the ground as he made fun of me. I got up and tried to leave the situation. As I walked away he ran up to me and pushed me down again as he continued his vocal tirade. Again, I got up and started walking back to the school, thinking that if I could just get to the door then he would leave me alone. Mike ran after me and threw his arm into my throat and cloths lined me. I dropped to the ground choking as he walked away. I have always been a nice guy, I don't like to hurt other people and will talk my way out of a fight if I can. This experience was my first of this kind and I was more surprised that it happened, my 5th grade self didn't know what to do. Although there were no other physical altercations that year, the amount of comments increased exponentially for the rest of the year. This increase, in the amount of people and occasions that I got made fun of, setup what happened in middle and high school.

The schools back east in the D.C. Metro area have what I call a 'prison mentality' in that when a group of kids wants to be feared by the other groups then they will take out the largest person that would be considered a threat. The other kids will now fear that group, if they can take out the biggest kid then no one else has a chance against them...I was the biggest kid.

To keep this from becoming a book, I will give you the short version. If there is anything you would like to know in greater detail then please feel free to ask me...In 6th grade I was injured during a basketball game (I use to play a lot of sports) and went to the doctor for pain in my heels. I was diagnosed with Calcaneal Apophysitis which left me with both feet in soft casts and a wheel chair for 5 or 6 months out the year with bone fractures in both of my heels. When my feet healed enough to walk I was allowed to do what I wanted, but I had to be careful because there was a possibility that they would break again if they received a large enough impact; it was pretty painful to walk around normally. When I went through a growth spurt my heels would re-brake on their own and put me back in the wheel chair for another 5 to 6 months. This cycle happened 5 times from 6th grade through 10th grade. During that time I was getting jumped on average of 2 to 3 days a week by the group of kids that wanted to be feared by everyone else, wheelchair or not. In the wheelchair I would be pushed over, wheeled into walls or parked cars, and pushed down the stairs. When I wasn't in the wheelchair I was jumped regularly and have had my arm broken, finger broken, hit with many different objects multiple times in the head and body, and pushed into anything that would hurt (walls, cars, lockers, stairs, etc...). Along with the physical abuse of getting beaten up regularly, I was also experiencing verbal abuse (in the form of getting made fun of multiple times daily) and what I call emotional abuse (by pretty girls that would befriend me to achieve their goals of getting tutoring, good grades on labs, favors, and/or money; once they got what they wanted they would drop me, usually in a very cruel manor). At the end of every school year the stress of consistent negative experiences would be to great to control and I would blow up at someone or something in a violent manor.

When I was 16 years old we moved to Longmont

When I was 17 through 19 my parents were trying to figure out what was wrong with me (they were not aware of the extent of my abuse, because I did not tell them). I was tested by many different doctors, had an MRI, an EEG, and many personality tests (which I cheated on and answered them so that I appeared to be normal). The tests showed that there was nothing physically wrong with my brain and instead showed the opposite, that I had a higher then normal brain activity which the doctors explained to my parents meant that I had the capability of being a highly intelligent person. When I was 19 I was getting tired of feeling the way I was and accepting the fact that there might be something more wrong with me then just my experiences. So, when I went to the psychologist again to take another personality test I answered it truthfully that time and they found out that I was Bipolar II and the psychologist put me on Tegretol when I was 20 (after a debacle with a Depakote and Lithium mix). For the first time in my life I did not want to kill myself and although my mind seemed numbed, I was able to function normally in day to day life. But, all I did was exist for the next 8 years. The medication did not help me get rid of the darkness that resided inside my soul. When I was 28 I had lost my health insurance because I went part-time at my job and I decided to get off of the Tegretol. At first I did not feel the Bipolar II waves, my psychologist told me that it could take up to 2 years for me to feel them again. When I was 30 the waves started coming back, a little at first and increasing in intensity over the next year. Feeling the full force of the Bipolar II waves was confusing at first and it took me a while to work on how to handle the waves. Hence this journal (see previous journal entries for more information).

During this whole time I had hated myself. The only way I could be happy was from an outside source, through my relationships and romantic relationships. If I was happy with those relationships then I was happy. The problem with that is I was limited too the level of happiness that others provided and I could not provide myself with happiness alone.

Two weeks ago I increased my vitamin intake (see "Matty Bipolar II Journal: 12/09/2010") and my mood, energy, over all health, and well being have increased. This surprised me tremendously, but then I was surprised even more yesterday because I started my second depression cycle since the vitamin increase. I had the symptoms of depression (lethargic, mind moving slower, and tired), but I was not depressed. Instead the opposite was true, I was happy. How is that possible? How can I be happy during a depression? It took me all day of self exploration and mental analysis for me to realize that I actually love myself. I do not hate myself anymore, I don't believe that I am worthless, I am comfortable with who I am and actually love my personality. There are obvious things I would like to change, but they do not define me anymore. I do not hate myself because of the things I want to change, instead I just see them as goals that I would like to achieve. I know who I am and what I want to do with my life. I am finally happy, truly happy, and it is a happiness that I provided myself that does not come from an outside source.

Matty Bipolar II Journal: 12/09/2010

I love documentaries. I recently was suggested a great documentary by my friend Jason called ''Food Matters.'' It talks about the struggle between medical doctors and nutritionists. Medical doctors are not taught nutrition in medical school and therefore will usually prescribe a drug to fix a health issue without considering if vitamins will correct the issue. The problem with drugs is that they are designed to fix a specific issue and not other aspects of the body that also effect that issue. Vitamins on the other hand are used to help the body correct most issues on their own. Now, I am not advocating that people should shun medical doctors and prescription drugs. Instead I want people to be aware that drugs are not the only choice and should not be the first choice to correct a health issue. Drugs are very powerful and effect the body in drastic ways and should only be a last resort if nutrition and mega-dose vitamins are not affective.

When I had the Gastric Bypass surgery my doctor told me that I will need to take a mega vitamin at least once a day because I am not able to get enough vitamins through food alone, since I cannot eat very much. While I was looking for a good mega vitamin I found out that there are many vitamins that are mainly chemical vitamins created in a lab and the body has trouble absorbing them. A ''Food Matrix" vitamin are vitamins extracted from actual food and the body absorbs more of the vitamins and at a faster rate. There are many articles and books written on the subject. Check out this link Here for more information.

For the past 2 weeks I have increased my mega vitamin from one per day to three per day and I have to say that I have seen a huge change in the past week because of it. My last depression was small compared to previous ones and my last manic also was diminished to where I was still a bit crazy, but the hypersexuality was a lot easier to handle. Everyone around me is getting sick with cold's, flu's, and stomach bugs. I however have not gotten sick yet and I don't think I am that lucky, so I am attributing that to the higher amount of vitamins I have been taking.

The vitamins I take are Glucosamine HCL with MSM for my knee and 'Alive!' muli-vitamins. The bottle shows you the amount (g-grams, mg-miligrams, mcg-micrograms, IU-international unit of potentcy) and the percent of Daily Value (%DV) for each vitamin. Here is a list of the vitamins in it and a description of how that vitamin helps you. All of the descriptions come from the reference of www.webmd.com/vitamins-lifestyle-guide and other sites, you can click the vitamin name more information.

(Amount / %DV) If you take the recommended dose of 3 tablets per day.

15,000 IU / 300%

Vitamin A (contains both Retinol and Beta Carotene) is key for good vision, a healthy immune system, and cell growth.

1 g / 1667%

Vitamin C (Ascorbic acid) helps tissue and bone grow and repair itself. While vitamin C supplements are extremely popular, research has yet to establish solid health benefits.

400 IU / 100%

Vitamin D plays several key roles in your body. Most importantly, vitamin D helps your body absorb the minerals calcium and phosphorus from the food you eat.

200 IU / 667%

Vitamin E is key for strong immunity and healthy skin and eyes. In recent years, vitamin E supplements have become popular as antioxidants. These are substances that protect cells from damage.

80 mcg / 100%

Vitamin K plays a key role in helping the blood clot, preventing excessive bleeding. Unlike many other vitamins, vitamin K is not typically used as a dietary supplement.

25 mg / 1667%

Vitamin B1 (Thiamin) helps fuel your body by converting blood sugar into energy. It keeps your mucous membranes healthy and is essential for nervous system, cardiovascular and muscular function.

25 mg / 1471%

Vitamin B2 (Riboflavin) supports energy production by aiding in the metabolising of fats, carbohydrates, and proteins. Vitamin B2 is also required for red blood cell formation and respiration, antibody production, and for regulating human growth and reproduction. It is essential for healthy skin, nails, hair growth and general good health, including regulating thyroid activity.

125 mg / 625%

Vitamin B3 (Niacin), in the body is important for general good health. As a treatment, higher amounts of niacin can improve cholesterol levels and lower cardiovascular risks.

50 mg / 2500%

Vitamin B6 (Pyridoxine), is often called the “mood vitamin” because it’s very important for helping our brains and metabolism.

400 mcg / 100%

Folic acid is a type of B vitamin that's key for cell growth and metabolism. Studies show that many people in the U.S. don't get enough folic acid.

200 mg / 3333%

Vitamin B-12 (Cobalamin) plays a role in making DNA. Vitamin B-12 also helps keep nerve cells and red blood cells healthy.

300 mcg / 100%

Biotin is a coenzyme and a B vitamin, also known as vitamin H. As a supplement, biotin is sometimes used for diabetes, brittle nails, and other conditions.

125 mg / 1250%

Pantothenic acid (Vitamin B5) is needed by the body in order to from coenzyme A and is also crucial in metabolizing proteins, carbohydrates and fats inside the body.

250 mg / 25%

Calcium is a mineral well-known for its key role in bone health. Calcium also helps maintain heart rhythm, muscle function, and more. Because of its health benefits, calcium is one of the best-selling supplements in the U.S.

800 mcg / 4%

Iron is a mineral that's necessary for life. Iron plays a key role in the making of red blood cells, which carry oxygen through the body.

150 mcg / 100%

Iodine is an essential trace element that is essential for the normal growth and development. Around 60% of the iodine in the body is stored in the thyroid gland. The health benefits of iodine play a very important role in the normal functioning of the thyroid glands, which secretes thyroid hormones that control the basic metabolic rate of the body.

125 mg / 31%

Magnesium is a mineral that's crucial to the body's function. Magnesium helps keep blood pressure normal, bones strong, and the heart rhythm steady.

15 mg / 100%

Zinc is a mineral that's important to the body in many ways. Zinc keeps the immune system strong, helps heal wounds, and supports normal growth.

70 mcg / 100%

Selenium is a mineral found in the soil. Selenium naturally appears in water and some foods. While people only need a very small amount, selenium plays a key role in the metabolism.

2 mg / 100%

Copper include proper growth, utilization of iron, enzymatic reactions, connective tissues, hair, eyes, ageing and energy production. Apart from these, heart rhythm, thyroid glands, arthritis, wound healing.

4 mcg / 200%

Manganese ensure healthy bone structure, bone metabolism, helping in building essential enzymes for building bones. It acts as a coenzyme to assist metabolic progression in the human body. Apart from these, there are other health benefits of manganese actively involved in forming connective tissues, absorption of calcium, proper functioning of thyroid, sex hormones, regulating blood sugar level, and metabolism of fats and carbohydrates.

120 mcg / 100%

Chromium -- specifically, trivalent chromium -- is an essential trace element that's used by some people as a supplement. Perhaps most importantly, chromium forms a compound in the body that seems to enhance the effects of insulin and lower glucose levels.

75 mcg / 100%

Molybdenum is a trace mineral found in most plant and animal tissues. Molybdenum is an essential co-factor for many of the enzymes involved in protein synthesis and the mobilization or iron use in the body.

15 mcg / 1%

Sodium functions with chloride and bicarbonate to maintain a balance of positive and negative ions (electrically charged particles) in our body fluids and tissues. The body receives sodium primarily in the form of table salt (sodium chloride). Sodium, the principal extracellular ion, has the property of holding water in body tissues.

50 mcg / 1%

Potassium is a mineral that's crucial for life. Potassium is necessary for the heart, kidneys, and other organs to work normally.

The Alive! multi-vitamin also has many micro-nutrients such as Spirulina, Amino acids, Omega acid, Enzyme's, and more that help out in many ways to help move the vitamins and increase the speed and amount of absorption. 

Matty Bipolar II Journal: 12/01/2010

Life is hard, a lesson that many ignore or avoid in the hopes that it is not true. Acceptance is also hard, although the acceptance of others is easier then acceptance of one's self.

In my exploration of manic and depression I have found that through will power a person can fight the urges and thoughts to minimize the affects of manic or depression. There is a problem with this approach that I realized this week. Fighting yourself can be counter productive, although it helps for the short term, it is also helping you avoid the real problems that are contributing to the manic or depression. There will always have to be some mental fighting that is still needed for the short term, just make sure that it is only for the short term. I think for most people, when we find something that works then it is easier to just do that one thing or increase it for a stronger effect instead of finding the best solution. Easier does not mean better, the best solution for any problem is usually more difficult then most of the solutions you can choose from.

Here is example, this is what I figured out this month. During my last depression stage a friend of mine had died unexpectedly and that prolonged my depression to 12 days instead of the normal 2 days I usually deal with. I found out after 3 days of constantly fighting my depression that the mental fatigue was too high to handle and by the 4th day I had given up the fight and accepted the depression for what it was and only fought untrue thoughts when they happened instead of fighting the depression as a whole. This acceptance made the depression much easier to handle for the long term and also decreased my mental fatigue. After the depression was over and I was able to think clearly again I started to examine the difference between the short term and long term fight.

The first thing I analyzed were the untrue thoughts that I am constantly fighting during my depression. My reason for this line of thinking is that if I can fix the core problems that my mind wants to attach too then my mind cannot use them against me to explain a depression caused by Bipolar and has no reason. Some of the untrue thoughts that my mind likes to attach too are:
1)  You're fat and no woman wants to be with a fat man because it disgusts them.
2)  You're ugly and the only people that associate with you only do it out of pity.
3)  You're poor and the only way women will look past your physical ugliness is if you're rich.

Of course I know that these thoughts make no logical sense and that is why they are called "untrue" thoughts. My mind is dealing with a depression caused by Bipolar and therefore has no reason, so my mind will try to explain the depression by feeding on past experiences that have caused depression. The reason my mind will try to accept these untrue thoughts is because there is a small amount of truth to them and the best lies that are the most convincing are the lies that are sprinkled with a little truth. The truths that sprinkle those untrue thoughts are:
1)  Yes I am a big guy, but I am not fat because I am an active person and enjoy getting out of the house. Although there are many women out there that will only be with guys that have 10% body fat or less, they are usually self absorbed bitches with zero interesting personality traits. Most of the women out there that have personalities that I am attracted too do not care about the fact that I am a bigger then average guy. In fact, the opposite is usually true and most women enjoy the fact that I am a big guy. It makes me a "Teddy Bear" and the most comfortable snuggler in the world.
2)  The way humans interpret beauty is associated with symmetry. The more symmetrical a person's face is, the more people will find them attractive. I do not have a very symmetrical face and although this means that I won't ever be a Calvin Kline model, it does not mean that I am ugly. Actually, I think that I am quite cute and attractive in my own way.
3)  I am not poor, actually I get paid pretty well. The reason I don't have a lot of money to spend is because I am saving it to build my Scottrade account so that I can Daytrade again.

To make a long story short, instead of fighting my thoughts, I have decided to accept my flaws. It is good to take care of my health, but I don't have to be constantly wanting to look like the next Calvin Kline underwear model. If I can't accept myself then how can I expect others to accept me? It may take some time, but I have already started accepting my physical appearance and knowing that my personality and other abilities make me a much more attractive man to women then my physical appearance. How can I expect a woman to want to be with me if I cannot love myself?

I am growing and becoming more comfortable with myself. This will help me more during my Bipolar waves, I won't have to fight my mind as much. We will see what happens on the next depression stage. Life is hard, a lesson that many ignore or avoid in the hopes that it is not true. Acceptance is also hard, although the acceptance of others is easier then acceptance on one's self.

Matty Bipolar II Journal: 11/14/2010

Today's red dot is more of me trying to be positive then an accurate depiction of where I am. I have been in the depression stage for 7 days now, about to be 8 days. My normal depression stage usually lasts 2 days. I received news this week and a friend of mine died on Monday, that news along with money stress and lack of a social life has increased the length of this current depression stage.

I was able to decrease my depression a little, hence why I didn't put the red dot in the middle, by coming up with a plan to relieve my money stress and get serious about saving money for my Scottrade account so that I can trade stocks again. My lease is over in the middle of January and my brother's lease is over at the end of February. I am going to move to my parents house in the beginning of January to save some money and at the end of February or April (depending on how much money I have) we will move to Westminster area with my friend Jeramy and find a three bedroom house/condo/apartment for rent. This will lower all of our monthly costs, personally it will cut mine in half. We already know that the three of us get along well and I think it would be the best move for everyone. I will miss living in Denver though, I love my apartment now and will miss it. My plan is to move back to Denver when I am working full time as a Daytrader and can afford the cost of living.

I am hoping this depression stage ends soon. I can fight 2 days, but not 7. I actually stopped fighting the depression after the 4th day. Right now I am just doing my best to wait it out and distract myself with work, TV shows, and movies until it blows over.

Matty Bipolar II Journal: 11/02/2010

My manic stage was very short, less then 12 hours this cycle and my normal stage was short also. I got thrown into a depression stage last night without being able to prepare for it. But, in all of that I accidentally found something that helps make the depression stage easier to deal with. On Monday I only got 3 hours of sleep and was going to see Saw 3D with my brother Adam and friend Jeramy. So, when I woke up I was obviously very tired and picked up an energy drink. I don't normally drink them because of the sugar, but I got a sugar free Monster. What happened was my energy was increased of course, but what I wasn't expecting is that my mood increased also and I didn't have to fight my mind as hard. It felt like a faux manic stage inside my depression, making me almost normal. It is a weird sensation to feel both at the same time. I didn't know I was in the depression stage until after the energy drink wore off. I though I was still in my manic stage and was just tired from lack of sleep. After the energy drink wore off I got depressed and realized that my manic and normal stages were just short and I was in a depression stage. The energy drink tricked my body into thinking I was manic and helped offset the depression enough to be manageable. I am going to test this theory on my next depression when I can better prepare for it.

The caffeine is obviously what is giving me the energy. But, it also has Taurine, Ginseng, and B vitamins which are all good for Bipolar people to have since we usually go though our B vitamins faster then normal people. So, if you don't like the idea of having an energy drink then I would suggest picking up a B complex vitamin and some Ginseng to add to your daily vitamin regimen.

I have had an energy drink tonight at work. I woke up depressed and was depressed until I got an energy drink. Now I am feeling pretty good and the mental fatigue is not as bad since I don't have to constantly fight with myself. This looks like it might be a good solution and is giving me a feeling of a huge weight off my shoulders. This is the happiest I have ever been during a depression. ;p

Matty Bipolar II Journal: 10/30/2010

This depression was easier to deal with than previous ones. I have a theory as to why that is:

• I use to accept the reasons my mind would come up with to explain the depression, but I have been fighting it every cycle for the past couple of months and telling myself that it is a chemical reaction and there is no other reason. I think my mind is starting to accept my explanation, that it is a chemical reaction, as a reason to explain the depression instead of an outside source like money, lack of women, feeling fat, or feeling worthless.

If I am right about this then the depressions will get easier to deal with in the future. I will still have to fight them, but not as hard as I have in the past. I have noticed that because I become lethargic, slow thinking, and lack motivation going into the depression, that the opposite is true when coming out. Every time I am getting out of the depression stage I become more active, think at a normal speed, and my motivation to better myself comes back. What I noticed this time though is that, because the depression was easier to handle, my self confidence is increasing. This increase in my self confidence is also making the motivation to better myself, when coming out of the depression stage, more intense. Today I felt that if I can fight the Bipolar II with the power of my own mind and determination then I also have the mental strength to increase my motivations and determinations in other aspects of my life. I can feel my will power increasing with every cycle I successfully complete.

I am going to put my new increase in self confidence and will power to the test and work on decreasing the amount I smoke, drink more water, eat less, exercise more, and save money. I have learned from my previous attempts to quit smoking that I cannot do it cold turkey, instead I am going to question my motivations to smoke every time I go on a break or have a craving. Over time this will decrease the amount I smoke per day until I get to the point where I don't smoke at all, or more realistically, smoke very occasionally. I drink too much diet soda, I need to increase my water intake by questioning my reasons to pick up a diet soda instead of a water bottle. Not only because it is better for me, but because it cleanses the body and is needed to keep my muscles from cramping when I increase my exercise. I also eat too much, not the amount per meal, the Gastric Bypass fixed that. I do however snack too often, especially at work and I need to cut that out and only eat when I need too, not when I want to or when I am bored. The exercise I want to increase to loose weight obviously, but also it is apart of fighting the Hypersexuality during the manic stage as I stated in previous journal entries. The saving money I want to do to increase my Scottrade account, because trading stocks is my passion and one day I want it to become my career. I would do this by questioning my reasons behind my purchases, "do I really need this and if so why?" If my theory is correct about why my depression stage was easier to handle this time around, then it must also be true that if I fight my mind for these other things that eventually my mind will accept my reasoning and I won't have to fight it as hard. Thus making it easier over time to smoke less, drink water regularly, eat properly, enjoy exercise, and have the money to trade stocks again.

Matty Bipolar II Journal: 10/27/2010 and 10/28/2010

I did well on this last manic stage. I didn't go to any bars, but I did drink on Saturday at the Zombie Crawl 2010 in Denver. I used WOW (World of Warcraft) along with football games as a way of distracting my mind on Sunday which worked very well. My mind was occupied and happy, it kept the dangerous 'bored' feeling my mind gets which is what usually gets me in trouble during my manic stage...aka spending all my money at a strip club or bar or dance club. I also found an exercises that I enjoy and helps expend the energy needed to keep the hypersexuality at bay.

The Zombie Crawl 2010 in Denver was fun. There was over 6000 people there in costumes ranging all over from Zombies to S.W.A.T to Umbrella Corporation Soldier's to Survivors. I decided to go as a zombie with my own unique twist based on Seth Green's character in "Idle Hands". In the movie Seth Green is killed by a broken beer bottle stabbed into his head and he is undead for the rest of the movie with the beer bottle sticking out the side of his skull. A beer bottle is too heavy to glue to my head or a hat so I took it one joke farther and used a diet coke bottle that I glued to my hat and added lots of homemade fake blood. Here is a picture of how I looked:

All of that fake blood you see I had made using corn syrup, water, and food coloring. Well, all that sugar soaked into my skin and when I got to the zombie crawl I had a massive hypoglycemic attack that hit me fast and made me pass out for a couple of seconds, enough to put me on the ground. Luckily I was surrounded by my friends and other nice zombie strangers that got me something to eat to off set the hypoglycemia. After that I was fine for the rest of the day, except for the leg cramps I got from walking around for 4 hours. But, it was all worth it, I had a blast. What I didn't expect was that my costume was a surprise hit. I knew there would be some people that got the reference or would think it was cool. I did not expect to get asked to get my picture taken 40 or 50 times. Some people would just yell out, "Hey, Diet Coke! Can I take your picture?" I must say, I enjoyed the attention and the fact that there were people out there that appreciated the idea as much as I did.

I did not spend any money at the bar this weekend. I did drink a couple of beers and some scotch at the Zombie Crawl. Although I did not get drunk or even tipsy, I was in a feel good zone. This was a promising sign compared to the week before when I spent too much money drinking and allowed the drinking to diminish my ability to handle the last depression stage. Usually if i drink too much on my manic stage it exaggerates the hypersexuality, making it unmanageable, and I end up spending money at the strip bar just to get some female attention (which is obviously a horrible reason to go to a strip bar). So, I was proud of my ability to keep my amount of drinking under control during my manic stage.

As I stated in previous entries in this Bipolar II journal, I restarted my WOW account. Reason being that it will give my mind something to concentrate on making it easier to deal with the waves and decreasing the amount of mental fatigue I get from having to mentally fight my own thoughts during the different stages. Well, while I was playing WOW this weekend I was also trying to think of exercises I can do to equal the amount of energy expulsion needed to lessen the hypersexuality symptoms. I was trying to think of an exercise I would enjoy doing, because if you enjoy the exercise then you are more willing to do it. I thought of what exercises I have seen that I was attracted too, even if I know I can't do it. Running/Jogging has always appealed to me, ever since I was a kid. I use to watch joggers in the neighborhood and be jealous that I could not do that. I started doing some research online for plans that help beginners build up the stamina needed to run/jog long distances. I found a site that gave some great information on how people can start to train to be a runner (http://www.halhigdon.com/beginrunner/plan.htm).

Everything above was written on the 27th at work and at home. I went to bed and when I woke up I felt lazy and lethargic which shows me that I am moving into the depression stage. So, this entry is going to include the 28th also. Here is where I am now and then I will continue with my previous thought:

Now that I got that out of the way, moving onto my previous thought.

Anyway, the exercise did a really good job of helping make the hypersexuality more manageable. There was also an effect I didn't expect in that the exercise gave me something to concentrate on and helped calm my mind also. It is working great for the manic stage and although I am sure it would help the depression stage, it is hard to exercise. It was nice outside today and I should have gone to do my walk/jog, but I was not able to get enough motivation to do it. So, it looks like I will be doing the exercise when I am normal and manic. I'm going to continue to try to get out and do some exercise in my depression stage, but it is going to be very difficult to get the energy to do it. We will see how tomorrow goes.

Matty Bipolar II Journal: 10/22/2010

As you may have read in my last journal entry, I gave up alcohol for a couple of cycles to see if the odd occurrence of hypersexuality during the depression stage was a fluke or caused by alcohol. Well, I didn't have anymore problems for the second half of the depression stage so that is a positive sign. In the future I may have to avoid alcohol during my depression stages, unless I am with a woman that will satisfy the hypersexuality needs that the alcohol may cause. I was normal for the past two days and that was nice, it was good to be able to relax and calm my life down a bit as I prepare for my next manic stage.

In my preparations I was thinking of things, cheap things, that I can do to occupy my mind and keep it busy so I don't get bored and try to spend money I don't have. I am going to try the breathing and meditation techniques I mentioned in my previous journal entry on the last manic cycle. I also restarted my WOW (World Of Warcraft) account, I haven't played it in two years and never thought I would play again, but here I am reactivating it. I never took the game seriously when I played before and I won't take it seriously now. I use it as a distraction, a way of giving my mind something to concentrate on when I'm bored so that I don't go out looking for something to do. So far it has been working, but the real test will be over the next couple of days when I get full into my manic stage.

Since I have been mentally working hard at controlling my Bipolar II, I have also been thinking about other things about myself that I consider in need of stronger mental control. These are things I will start to work on and will get serious about controlling after I get better about controlling my Bipolar II. One of the things I want to control better is my eating. Even though I had a Gastric Bypass surgery which does great at keeping the amount of food I can eat low, I am still using food to make myself feel better by snacking too often. I want to only eat when I need to eat to sustain my energy and nutrition, not just eat because I am depressed or bored. Another thing I want to control better is my amount of exercise. I will work out (lift weighting, jogging, walking, biking, hiking, racquetball, etc...) erratically when I feel like it, but not on a normal schedule. This is probably the first thing I will work on because I will be using it to help control the hypersexuality in my manic stage. The last thing I want to work on is procrastination. I will put off things I should do because I am not in the mood. I want to be able to make myself do things that I want to get done when I have time to do it, not when I'm bored enough to get to it.

I know that I only listed three things to control. Although there are more things about myself I would like to fix, I think that fixing those main three will have a trickle down effect to the smaller things that I would like better control of. For example, my low self-esteem, my self image, my daytrading career, my smoking habit, my diet soda habit, etc...

Matty Bipolar II Journal: 10/19/2010

Yesterday threw me for a loop, a loopidy loopy loop. On Saturday I ended my night at work in the beginning stages of manic and was prepared to handle the fast paced mind and Hypersexuality. But, when I woke up on Saturday night to go to work, I felt fine, just like the normal stage. I was confused and thought that maybe the manic stage I had on Saturday morning was an early stage and that the main part would show up yesterday. Instead, I never got manic again and stayed normal for Sunday and Monday. On Monday night I was confused again because I started the depression stage. I must have slept through the manic stage on Saturday and it must have only lasted 12 hours on this cycle, instead of the usually 2 days as before.

I was confused even more when I was walking home from the bar (Coyote Ugly) and was feeling the Hypersexuality. This should be impossible because the manic stage causes the Hypersexuality. It takes a lot of mental energy to fight the depression and now I was confused by the unusual Hypersexuality. That confusion took my concentration away from fighting the depression and turned my attention into trying to figure out what was going on. Before I knew it the depression took hold in the background spiraling me down quickly to where I am right now. So at that point I was not only Hypersexual, but I was also hating myself in a semi-bad depression. Not a good mix. Luckily I have some great friends that I was talking to online and texting at 3 am and they helped me calm my mind down enough for me to get a couple hours of sleep today.

There is one of two things that happened yesterday. Either my Hypersexuality is not connected to my Bipolar II (very unlikely) or it was the alcohol I had Monday night that caused it. I am going to have to stop drinking for a few cycles to see. I also want to make sure that I have my cycles figured out and controlled better before I drink again. When I do start to drink again I will have to test it during different times in my cycle to see when I should avoid alcohol.

Matty Bipolar II Journal: 10/17/2010

I started the manic stage today and will be putting my new theories to the test later on today. I will explain them a little later. The best way for someone to deal with the Bipolar waves is to first get good at recognizing them at the earliest stage possible. The depression was easy to recognize because I started to feel lazy and then directly after that would start to have the depressed thoughts. As soon as I felt lazy during my day to day routine I would start to prepare my mind to fight the untrue reasons my brain would come up with to explain the depression. Manic is harder to recognize, because it is a positive emotion, happy. But, on this time around I figured that since I get lazy before the depression then maybe the opposite is true. In a way it is, I found that because my mind was moving faster that I was getting bored very quickly during my day to day routine. Shorty after I started to feel bored the hypersexuality thoughts snuck in. Now that I have figured out how to recognize the very beginning of the manic stage I can better prepare myself to stifle the symptoms.

When I am depressed my mind is moving slower and I only have one thing to fight. Although it's mentally draining, it is easier then dealing with the manic. When I am manic my mind is racing quickly and I also have to deal with the hypersexuality. So, there are two things I have to fight on the manic stage. Before I was manic I started to think of things I could do to offset the symptoms.

For the symptoms of my mind racing I thought about calming techniques. The theory I am going to try is breathing and meditation techniques. When I notice that I am having trouble concentrating because my mind is racing I will stop what I'm doing, stare at a point in front of me, and breath deep and slow (in through the nose and out through the mouth). I will do this about five times or more, until I feel calmer.

The hypersexuality part is harder to deal with. I thought about what satisfies the hypersexuality. Could it be an orgasm? No, I don't think so, because when I have been hypersexual in the past I could orgasm three times in a day and still want more. In the past I wasn't satisfied until after four or six hours (sometimes more) of sex (with breaks every 45 mins to an hour of course) and I was too worn out to continue. Therefore, it must be the energy expended during the act that calmed down the hypersexuality and not the orgasms. So, I've decided to work out when I am feeling hypersexual, jogging and weight lifting. If I work out hard enough it should equal the energy expended after six or more hours of sex and help curb the need. I foresee myself working out hard for three days out of the week, unless I find a woman that is willing to expend the energy the fun way. ;p

I will post again after my manic stage is over and let everyone know how it went.

Matty Bipolar II Journal: 10/15/2010

I got out of my depression dip yesterday and in past observations, as long as I don't have outside stress, my stages are about 2 days each. As you can see from my crude picture, I am normal right now and expecting to move into manic by the weekend.

I am getting better at dealing with the depression dip. Since I currently don't have anything major in my life to be depressed about, my mind will try to create reasons for the feeling. The same thing happens in a dream state, the brain has to have an explanation for unexplained events. If you put someone into a hypnotic state and ask them about their past life the subconscious will treat the question as it would in a dream and create a answer that is plausible. This is why a person put into a hypnotic state multiple times will learn more about their past life, because when asked again about their past life the brain will build on the original story it came up with to answer the new questions. So, when my brain is not producing enough Dopamine and slides into a chemical depression the brain will try to explain it by making up plausible stories. To fight this phenomenon I will constantly question my thoughts and come up with reasons why that plausible story cannot be true. This stops my brain from falling deeper into the depression keeping it mild, but it takes a lot of mental energy to keep it up. Because of that I become extremely mentally fatigued and everything else I have to think about (conversations, trouble shooting computers at work, and other normal activities) become slower. It is just like a computer running slow because too many programs are running at the same time and over taxing the CPU. I just have to keep up the mental battle for a couple of days until the Dopamine levels increase and pull me out of the depression. Although it drains my energy away, it is better then allowing my mind to accept the depressed thoughts which would throw me into a deeper depression making me lethargic. Also, if I allow the untrue depressed thoughts to take hold then my anger would increase and I don't like to feel angry, especially for no reason. So, I may be mentally drained, but I am not angry or as lethargic as I could be.

In my last entry, Intro and Description, I mentioned that my sex drive decreases during my depressions. I talked about how my motivation goes away and I won't initiate sex, but would be okay if someone else initiates it. Well, I was talking to someone that pointed out to me that there have been many times that I still did not get in the mood even after she initiated sex while I was depressed. This observation made me rethink my position. I am just now starting to understand my depression cycle and in the past did not understand what was going on, that mixed with the other stresses may have made my motivation even less then it is in my current depressions. I think that because I have now understood the depression side enough to fight it, I may not have a motivation level that was as low as it was before. I think that if I had a woman initiated sex during my depression now I would accept it better then I did in the past. But, I have not tested this theory yet so I cannot say for sure. For now I am going to have to take back what I said before and not say that I would definitely be all about it if a woman initiates sex during my depression. Until I am offered the opportunity to test it in reality with my newly developed counter actions.

I still have some more work to do on my depression stages and only get 2 days a week to do that. At the moment though I am pretty confident in my ability to fight the depression and keep it pretty mild. Manic counter action is a different story. I am still having a difficult time dealing with my manic stages. The reason it is easier to counter act the depression is because my mind is running slower and I have time to fight it. The manic stage is the opposite, my mind is racing quickly as if I am in a temporary ADHD state and I have not figured out how to slow down my thought processes enough to mentally fight my Hypersexual thoughts and actions. Also, unlike the negative feelings of depression that anyone would want to fight, the manic stage is very happy and feels fun for the most part. That makes it harder to fight. Who wants to be less happy and less sexual? I have another day or so until my manic stage starts and I am working on a couple of different theories to counter act it. We will see what happens!

Matty Bipolar II Journal: Intro and description

Hello everyone, I have Bipolar II and going through self exploration and research on my disorder to allow myself to effectively handle my waves without medication. I wanted to start this journal for a couple of reasons:

1) It will help me to organize my thoughts and allow me to be more effective in my approach on how to handle the constant fluctuations.

2) Other people that are dealing with any type of Bipolar will know that they are not alone and can read my experiences, thoughts, and approaches to help them understand their own form of Bipolar and how to effectively deal with it.

3) For normal people that have loved ones with Bipolar or in a relationship with someone that is Bipolar. So they can get a glimpse of what it is like to live with this disorder and can better understand what they are going through, how to recognize where they are in their cycle, and figure out ways to deal with the waves. Because it is very hard for Bipolar people to keep relationships without an understanding partner that is willing to help them through.

What is Bipolar? Bipolar (previously known as Manic Depression) is a disorder where the neurons in the Brain do not have a steady flow of neurotransmitters between them. Neurotransmitters are chemical messengers that move nerve impulses between neurons. Inhibitory Neurotransmitters, Serotonin and Gamma Amnibutyric Acid (GABA), calm the brain to help create balance. Excitatory Neurotransmitters, Epinephrine and Norepinephrine, stimulate the brain. There is also the Neurotransmitter, Dopamine, which can act as both Inhibitory and Excitatory. What happens is the body does not produce these neurotransmitters at a steady pace. Instead the chemical Neurotransmitter are not produced properly. During manic stages, the brain does not produce GABA and Norepinephrine properly. During depression stages, the brain does not produce enough Dopamine. This ongoing cycle of uneven production is called Bipolar Disorder because of the two extreme poles of manic and depression. Antidepressant medication increases Dopamine, but does not affect GABA or Norepinephrine. This is why you cannot give antidepressant medication to a Bipolar person. Because it will help the depression stages, but make the manic stages worse. Well, there are different types of Bipolar with smaller differences depending on the personality of the person affected. Bipolar I and II are similar in the wave formations of manic/depression, but Bipolar I has more extreme poles and therefore more severe then Bipolar II.

Here is a little history on me and my form of Bipolar. I was diagnosed with Bipolar II when I was 19 and was put on Tegretol, a mood stabilizing drug, to keep me even. Outside sources can affect Bipolar waves by exaggerating them or making them last longer then normal. I was bullied pretty bad as a teenager and the trauma had increased the intensity of my waves so much that they became unmanageable and I was fighting thoughts of suicide on a weekly basis. I was on Tegretol for 10 years, stopping the drug when I was 29 and have been off medication for the past 2 1/2 years.

Because I do not have to deal with the amount of stress I did when I was a teenager my waves are not as intense as they use to be and therefore more manageable. If I do not have any bad outside stresses then my wave will complete about once a week. Each part of the wave (normal, manic, normal, depressed) will last about 2 days each, plus or minus half a day. In the next part of this journal entry I will walk you through what my thoughts and experiences are with the 3 levels, or what I call the 3 personalities, of my Bipolar II.

Normal

My normal personality is a quintessential nice guy, I treat people as I would want to be treated. I naturally have a calm demeanor, I stay calm in most situations because a cool head can handle situations better then a hot head. I am intrigued by intelligent conversation, a good intelligent discussion with someone that can respect a different opinion without it affecting the relationship with that person is very important to me. I like to learn new things and experience anything that I have not before. I use logic as a way of making decisions and forming opinions. I like to be spontaneous but don't get to be very often due to work and money. I have a normal sleep schedule and can usually get about 8 hours. I am also a mild sex addict, I think about sex often and want to have sex on a regular basis.

Manic

My manic personality is very high energy, I talk faster jumping from one idea to another as if I have ADHD. I have trouble looking in the same place for too long and sometimes darting my eyes trying to absorb as much visual information as possible. I am super happy and crave fun experiences, easily becoming the 'life of the party' type of person. I crave attention and like to be around people, drinking, laughing, being in the middle of discussions, and being touched. I have trouble sleeping, my mind is racing with thoughts and cravings. So, I end up getting only a couple of hours of sleep at a time, 2 hours here - 2 hours there - etc... Also, some Bipolar II people, like me, have Hypersexuality. I crave sex constantly and temporarily become a sex addict. The upside to Hypersexuality

Depression

My depression personality is quiet, I don't talk very much and when I do it is slower and softer. I become more lethargic and loose motivation to do things unless I have someone, friends or partner, that will invite me to things or ask me to do something with them. Because my depression is all chemical there is no real reason to explain the depression. So, my mind will try to give me reasons to explain the depression. To fight this I have to constantly question myself and fight my own mind, using logic to disprove the reasons my mind comes up with. This become very mentally draining which although keeps my depression pretty mild, it does add to the lethargic feeling. I have trouble going to sleep but can get in more sleep then during the manic stage. Sometimes I can sleep more then manic and normal, other times I get as little as the manic stage, but for different reasons. Also, my sex drive changes. Because I am so mentally drained, my sex drive decreases. Although I still want sex, I don't have the motivation or energy to initiate it or seek it out. But, if a girl is forward enough and initiates it with me then I am all for it and will perform.

In the future I am going to be posting journal entries about my Bipolar II, what's going on, what my thoughts are about, and theories I have to fix those issues. Please leave comments if you wish with suggestions, general comments, and thoughts.

MattFeed: 10/12/2010 Pulled Turkey and Rice

I am trying to eat what is in my house instead of buying more food. Because of the Gastric Bypass I can't eat very much and a lot of food goes bad before I can get to it, unless I can freeze it. Well, I bout a half pint of milk the other day so that I can make some chocolate pudding, mmmm that turned out good. I only used 3 cups of the milk and had a cup left. I wanted to come up with something I could cook with that last cup of milk as to not waste it by letting it go bad. This is what I came up with, don't ask me how I got to this because I truly don't know. ;p

Ingredients:

1 cup  Milk
1 cup  Water
2 cups  Beef Broth
1 stick  Butter
Olive Oil
Garlic or Garlic Powder
Salt and Pepper
Oregano
2 cups Jasmin Rice
Left over Turkey Breast

Directions:

- Bring beef broth, milk, water, olive oil, and half the stick of butter to a boil
- Add jasmine rice, garlic, salt/pepper, and oregano
- In skillet add some olive oil, other half of the stick of butter, and the left over turkey breast
- Stir fry the turkey breast to taste while pulling the meat apart
- Add fried turkey breast to the rice
- Enjoy!

MattFeed 09/17/2010 - Jasmine Rice with Spicy Polish Sausage.

This is a cheap and easy meal that will last a while. If you have to eat cheap, why go for Ramen when you can have rice?

Ingredients:

2 cups Jasmine Rice
2 Spicy Polish Sausage's
1 pkg Stuffing Mix
2 tbl Butter
3 Beef Bouillon Cubes
Olive Oil
Garlic Powder
Oregano
Salt
Basil
Cilantro

Directions:

- Bring 4 1/2 cups of water to a boil with olive and bouillon cubes
- Add 2 cups of jasmine rice
- Add butter and spices to your preferred taste
- Cut up spicy polish sausage and fry in a hot skillet with a little olive oil
- Add fried spicy polish sausage to the jasmine rice before it is done as to allow the meat flavor to blend with the rice
- After rice is cooked allow it to sit for 10 minutes to allow the excess water to steam off

Preparation:

There are few ways to prepare this dish. It is a great base dish to do what you want when your hungry to make it different every time.
The way I will be preparing it tonight at work is like this:
Add hot water to 1/2 cup of stuffing mix, then add rice mix and microwave for a minute. Add some shredded cheese and microwave for 30 more seconds. Mix and enjoy!
Get creative with how you prepare it, experiment and see what tastes good.