Weight Loss Journal: 3/25/2011

Last week I weighed in at 269.8 lbs and today I weighed in at 265.0 lbs for a loss of 4.8 lbs!

Wow, this week was crazy! I got fired from my job and still managed to loose almost 5 lbs. I do find it funny that I weighed in exactly at 265.0 lbs, because 265 is the bane of my existence. I have hit 265 before many times, but can never get under it. So, this next week is going to be a tough one for me. I just have to stick to what I have been doing by keeping my calorie intake under my burn and keep my exercise the same. The last thing I want to do is increase my exercise or decrease my calories, in an effort to break the elusive 265 number. If I change my plan then I will risk going back to 265 the following week, even if I get under it this next week. Here is to a milestone! I will break you next week, you bastard number! ;p

Weight Loss Journal: 3/18/2011

Last week I weighed in at 271.6 and this week I weighed in at 269.8 for a loss of 1.8lbs.

I started my food decline in preparation for my fast (see Weight Loss Journal: 3/15/2011 for more info) and I am on day 4. Tomorrow I start the liquid part of the fast and I am feeling pretty good about it. Today is the veggie only day, for me it is the hardest day to do because I am still eating and can't have dairy or meat. I usually end up cheating a little bit on the veggie only days, but I make sure that if I do that it isn't anything too heavy. For instance, today I had a salad for lunch and it had dressing on it and a few pieces of chicken. Tonight I will have another salad and I will keep it dry, only veggies. At midnight I drop everything and have only Superfood and water. I feel ready for it, my stomach is already shrinking and my appetite is decreasing as well. So, I think by midnight my body will be ready to make the move over to a liquid diet. I usually only do one day of only water and then start adding food again. This time I am considering doing more then just one day, maybe two, I think I will make that decision after I see how well I feel after just one day of only water. Either way, as long as I don't go over 3 days then I should be fine.

The body cleanse is going great, I have a lot more energy and I'm not getting tired at work anymore. It is because when my body is clean of toxins then it will absorb more of my Alive! multi-vitamins (which I continue to take even on water only days). Wish me luck and see you next wee with the results.

UPDATED: 3/19/2011

DO NOT DO A FAST AND BODY CLEANSE AT THE SAME TIME. ONLY DO ONE OR THE OTHER.

I started feeling really weak tonight and I think it is because I mixed the body cleanse with the fast. So, right now my body has nothing in my system. I am going to break my fast and start ramping up my food again since I already accomplished what I was going for in cleaning out my system and shrinking my stomach some. But, because I already ramped my food down I am going to have to ramp my food back up.

Weight Loss Journal: 3/15/2011

UPDATED: 3/19/2011

I know it's not Friday yet, but I wanted to let you know what I am doing. I've been using the Bodybugg and counting calories for the past month. I've gotten pretty good and knowing how many calories are in foods and I now know that my resting calorie burn is 2800 to 3000 calories a day. I also know now how many calories I will burn in an hour depending on my heart rate during a workout. So, I don't think I need to keep track of the specific numbers anymore. I am still going to be posting every Friday with my current weight, loss amount, updates, and things I learn along the way. But, I won't be posting the spreadsheets anymore.

Now to get to what is going on this week...

I went off my diet this weekend during my mini weekend vacation, but I still kept my food around 3000 calories. Although I allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted, I found that I still didn't eat very much.

I want to reboot my mind and body this week, so I will be doing a fast and body cleanse. The body cleanse part is easy, I got some cranberry pills (click here for benefits) for my kidney cleanse and urinary tract health, I also got an herbal colon cleanse that will do a genital cleanse over time (click here to see what WebMD says about them) , and my normal Alive! vitamins.

Another way to clean out your system is to do a fast, which would also shrink your stomach. DO NOT DO BOTH THE CLEANSE AND FAST AT THE SAME TIME. ONE OR THE OTHER.

For those of you that are interested in how to do a fast safely, this is how I do it...You want to becareful when you plan out a fasting of food, because your body does not like shocks to the system. I break my foods into the normal categories of sugar, dairy, meat, and vegetables. I put fruit and carbohydrates into the sugar category because carbohydrates get turned into sugar quickly when you digest them and fruit is obviously a sugar, natrual sugar, but still sugar. Now I have to do a gradual decline of my food in preparation for the fast. Here is the break down:

Day 01 = Eat or drink anything

Day 02 = Remove sugar from diet (including all carbonated soda's, even diet soda), also remove all outside toxin's (smoking, alcohol, etc...). I can only eat dairy, meat, vegetables, and only drink water

Day 03 = Remove dairy from diet. I can only eat meat, vegetables, and only drink water

Day 04 = Remove meat from diet. I can only eat vegetables and only drink water

Day 05 = Remove vegetables from diet. I can only drink Superfood (I like Odwalla Original Superfood) and water (click here to see what WebMD says about superfoods)

Day 06 = Remove superfood from diet. I can only drink water

Day 07 = Add superfood to diet

Day 08 = Add vegetables

Day 09 = Add meat

Day 10 = Add dairy

Day 11 = Add sugar

During the entire process (including day 6) I am still taking the Alive! multi-vitamins. On day 6 when I am only drinking water is where the actual fasting starts. I usually only do one day, but it is okay to increase that time. I would suggest that if you try it yourself that you do NOT go over 3 days of only water, even though you are taking the multi-vitamins. Although this is a good way to clean out your system, you don't want to damage it by not eating for too long.

Weight Loss Journal: 3/11/2011

I weighed in today at 271.6 lbs for a loss of 2.6 lbs this week and a total loss 9.8lbs of since I started this journal four weeks ago. Even though I gained weight last week, I gotta say that an almost 10 lbs of weight loss in a month is still a great number and I am happy with my progress so far.

It's nice to see a loss this week and I still need to eat more healthy foods. But, I am proud of myself for keeping track of my calories, even though some of them are bad calories. It is also good to see that with exercise and multi-vitamins that I can still loose weight despite the junk food. I have not been able to work out at the gym as much as I would like, I've been having trouble sleeping recently and don't have much energy when I get off of work. But, I did buy an energy ball a couple of days ago and use it as my chair at work for the past two days. I am getting a great core workout doing this, Abs of steel baby! I would definitely recommend that anyone that is trying to loose weight or build muscle should also get an exercise ball.

You can click on this link if you are not sure what an exercise ball is.
Here are two more links for you if you are interested. How to choose an exercise ball and this link will give you some free exercise ball workouts.

My exercise ball is 75 cm, which is for people over 6 feet tall, and I got it at Walmart for $16. I want to get another one, so I can keep one at work and at home. Its a cheap great way to get in a workout, I can't say enough good things about it. =P

I am hoping to break the 270 mark next week...keep your fingers crossed!

Rammstein - Keine Lust (Music Video)

I know this is not a movie technically, but it is in a way a short film...Anyway, I thought it was cool and decided to post it. Rammstein in fat suits in a song about lust, doesn't get much better then that ;p

Sadly it is even better then half the movies that hit the theater these days!

The Emulation of Perfection

The emulation of perfection encourages a negatively self-conscious personality. For years I have said that the beauty magazines and media, although satisfy a certain niche, also give teenage girls low self-esteem as they attempt to become the epitamy of physical beauty. But, I don't think this is only true for teenage girls...emulating any form of perfection will cause low self-esteem and/or stress.

The world is a dirty fucked up place and when someone tries to ignore that fact then they are fooling themselves. This doesn't mean that the world is a depressing place, but it can be if you are exposed to the dark parts without the tools needed to handle it. People have flaws, people have dark places in their minds, people are not perfect and will lie to others and themselves as they attempt to hold on dearly to their perfect view of themselves and the world around them. Ironically, the world would actually be a better place with less lies if people only accepted the flaws and darkness that is everywhere. Why do people lie? Because they don't want others to see their flaws or shatter their picture of perfection they have fooled themselves into. People also lie to help others keep their idea of perfection intact. If people would only accept that they are flawed, that others have flaws, and that the world has its dark areas; then they would not have a reason to lie. Now I am not promoting the idea of just being so bluntly honest that you hurt the feeling others and come across as mean, I think that a person can accept flaws and still be supportive. Just because you accept the fact that there is darkness in the world does not mean that you have to be negative about it. Instead, when you accept the dark parts of yourself, others, and the world then you can now find ways to make those dark parts better. But, ignoring them will only make them grow until they become unmanageable which causes low self-esteem, pessimism, and a greater amount of depression then normally experienced. People get stressed, people get depressed, people have bad days, people have negative experiences, and when you ignore them they only get worse. The mask of perfection is the worst thing a person can do to themselves and others.

This is not exclusively about physical beauty, there are other ways of emulating perfection that can be damaging. Look at religion, being apart of a religion is not bad, many people have faith in their beliefs and that is fine. But, many people in a religion take on a competition of perfection with the other members. Which is made even worse by the competitive personalities in said religion that look down in disgust at people that show a crack in that perfection. There are people that I consider religious that are very supportive and understanding towards others, but they are also the same people that are open about their own problems and accept the flaws of others. Do you see where I am going with this?

Look at social networks, I personally love Facebook. It is a great place to keep in touch with friends that I don't get to hang out with because of my schedule or location. But, many people use social networks to strength the mask of perfection they have deceived themselves into and force it onto others. I think people should be themselves, darkness and all when they are interacting with people in person, on the phone, texting, emails, and social networks. Everyone has a dark place, everyone has bad days, everyone is not perfect because perfection is impossible to achieve.

This is a geeky example, but it was best described by Agent Smith in 'The Matrix' movie,
"Did you know that the first Matrix was designed to be a perfect human world? Where none suffered, where everyone would be happy. It was a disaster. No one would accept the program. Entire crops were lost. Some believed we lacked the programming language to describe your perfect world. But I believe that, as a species, human beings define their reality through suffering and misery. The perfect world was a dream that your primitive cerebrum kept trying to wake up from. Which is why the Matrix was redesigned to this: the peak of your civilization."

So, in my opinion, if people would accept the flaws of themselves and others, accept that the darkness of the world exists and not try to ignore or mask them then there would be less lies, less stress, less depression, and less self-esteem issues. This doesn't mean that stress, depression, and self-esteem issues will go away entirely. But, it does mean that they will not affect people as negatively as they do when ignored and allowed to increase in intensity until they become unmanageable.

Matty Bipolar II Journal: 03/05/2011

Depression...How does one deal with the lies that the brain tells them? It's not as though my brain hates me, it's only trying to explain as logically as possible the depression created by a lack of chemicals.
The brain will not say,
"oh, looks like my neurons are not getting as many chemical signals as normal and that's why I'm depressed."
Instead, the brain will say,
"okay, since there cannot be anything wrong with me, I guess there is something outside that is affecting my mood. Its probably stress. Nah, I think it's because you are fat and no one can love you unless you look like an underwear model, yeah that's it. Or maybe it's because you don't have the money to day trade your stocks. Oh, no I got it, you were in an accident and life has been shitty with one thing after another for the past few months. Yep, it has to be stress, it can't be chemicals."

This has been a long depression dip so far. Although I am on my way out of it, the depression has lasted 8 days now. Stress didn't cause the depression, but it did prolong it. My normal depression dips, when I am not affected by outside sources, will last about 3 days or less. 3 days is not to hard to deal with, I am able to mentally fight it until the chemicals increase and pull me out. But, if something is affecting my stress level or is emotional then it will lengthen the depression once I am in it. By the 4th day I start to get mentally fatigued and begin to give into the negative thoughts that my brain is bombarding me with. By the 6th day I give up fighting myself, I am mentally worn out, and my patience is lessened. For the rest of the time after that I am quiet and just trying to survive another day as I wait for the rebound to happen. Today is the 8th day, yesterday sucked and I had zero patience. Today is not as bad because I started the rebound and my brain is not attacking me with negative thoughts as often, which is allowing myself to have moments of levity that has been very welcome.

Weight Loss Journal: 3/04/2011

I gained 1.8 lbs this week. Even though I kept my calorie count under my burn amount, the foods I was eating were crap calories and not healthy. Also, the amount I would eat would be higher for the meal and only a couple of meals a day, instead of eating more meals with a smaller portion and more often. I have had a week long depression dip in my Bipolar II and that has contributed a lot to this weeks disappointment. But, my resolve is not gone and I will just pick myself up and try again next week. There are a lot of bumps in the road of life, its how we handle the bumps that makes us who we are. I will not let this defeat me and I will win overall when I reach my goals.

Plausible Deniability of the Dark Fantastical

I created another blog called "Plausible Deniability of the Dark Fantastical" and it will consist of fictional short stories that dive into the fantasies and dark parts of people's minds and experiences. The reason I am making a separate blog for these stories is because the "Matty's Lounge" blog is more about my personal thoughts and experiences, but this blog will be fictional stories. Although some of the fictional stories will be based on my own dark fantasy thoughts, some will be fictional stories based on thoughts or experiences that are not mine and from a point of view that is outside my comfort zone, but might be in the comfort zone for someone else. I am also making it a separate blog because some of the stories will be quite graphically violent, sexual, or both in nature and I want to be able to put a 18+ disclaimer on it so that people that like reading about my personal experiences, but don't want to read these dark fictions, will not have too be exposed to them unless they choose too be.

Everyone has thoughts, experiences, and fantasies that they don't share with many people or just keep to themselves. With these fictional stories I want to show people that they are not alone in their thoughts, everyone has them to one degree or another and I hope to hit all of the different extremes. The reason I am calling it "Plausible Deniability of the Dark Fantastical" is because although I would love to get comments on the stories and have them spark discussions on the varying topics, I also don't mind if people read them and keep it to themselves which gives them a level of plausible deniability of their dark fantasies.

For those that are open minded with their thoughts and would like to send me ideas based on their own experiences, thoughts, or fantasies; I would love to talk to you about them and I promise to never divulge where I got the idea from. Your secrets are safe with me, the stories I write will be strictly fictional and only based on the basic fantasy, experience, or thought.

Movie Review: Unknown

Movie: Unknown
Staring: Liam Neeson and Diane Kruger

Unknown has the feel of a Borne Identity copy and is even known in Germany as "Unknown Identity." Although the similarities are there I still think this movie does well at standing on its own as a good movie. The story flows at a good pace keeping you interested in the characters without giving too much away. Liam Neeson is awesome, as always, and Diane Kruger does well at holding her own with Liam.

The trailer does a good job of showing the tone of the movie. When I went in I was afraid that the action would over shadow the mystery of the story and my fears were put to rest quickly. Don't get me wrong, there are some great action sequences and I gotta say I just love watching Liam Neeson kick ass (Taken is the best movie for Neeson ass kicking).

The directing was good for the dramatic scenes and the car chases, but like most action movies, my biggest complaint is the close up, quick cut, shaky cam fight sequences. Please please please, pull the camera back so we can see the fight and not get motion sickness as we try to figure out what is going on. I loved the production quality and I like when movies film on location, nothing looks better then the real thing.

My Rating (out of 10):  7

Mindlessly Flippant, By Adam Steininger

My brother, Adam Steininger, is a writer and started a blog a few years ago called "Mindlessly Flippant." In it he has short writings of weird nonsense, random thoughts, stories, basically anything that pops in his head at the moment. I use to love reading that blog, but he had stopped writing in it because there were not many people reading it and his school work was increasing which took up most of his time. Today he started writing in it again with his entry, "Filmed Movie."

There is a link to his blog on the right under My Favorite Links. Check it out, I think you will enjoy it!!!

DIRECT LINK: Mindlessly Flippant, By Adam Steininger

Matty Bipolar II Journal: 03/01/2011

I have been stuck in this current depression cycle for 4 days now and I'm not feeling it lightening up soon. I think the reason it is lasting so long this time is because I keep forgetting to take my vitamins and therefore I am not getting the B vitamins that my brain needs to fight the Bipolar II. I am hoping that if I can get back on schedule with my vitamins that the depression will end soon.

I usually do a good job of hiding my depression cycles, most people don't know I'm in one unless I tell them. But, I am starting to lose my composure today. I just don't have the energy to fight it and put on a happy face, as I usually do. If you have been reading my Weight Loss Journal posts then you would know that I am on a self imposed diet right now. One of the things I have observed during this depression is that I am not eating the healthy foods that I should. Although, I am keeping my calorie count for the day under my burn, I am eating crap food that tastes good. I think subconsciously I am doing that in an attempt to comfort myself during the depression. Ironically, eating the crap food is comforting for a min and then the depression gets worse because I feel disappointed that I made a poor food choice. This weeks weight loss will probably be low if not zero, unless my work outs make up for the crap calories I have been having trouble staying away from.

Another reason I think my depression cycle is lasting longer this time around may have been because I've had a bad month. Car accident, injuries, unwanted expenses, and lack of a regular social life has been chipping away at my demeanor. I am ready for a break from the crap and could really use something good to happen soon.