I think that there are 3 types of happiness. The level of happiness in your relationships (friends and family), romantic relationships, and in yourself. The amount of happiness is not the same amount for all three types. For example a person can be happy in their relationships and not be happy in their romantic relationship or they can be happy in their romantic relationship and not have any happiness in themselves. The feeling of "happy" is a relative emotion, therefore it that cannot be quantified by someone other then the person experiencing the emotion. Unless there is a reference for the outside observer to give the statement substance and meaning. So, when I say that I am currently the happiest I have ever been in my entire life, I will need to give you a little background and explanation to give my statement some substance.
5th grade is when it all started. I was bigger then the other kids and being different meant that I got to be pushed around and made fun of. At first it started small, a comment or a dirty look of disgust. Then, one day the school was outside playing a large dodge ball game and I hit this kid named Mike with the dodge ball. He was pissed off that the fat kid had knocked him out of the game and decided to attack me. As soon as I hit him with the dodge ball he ran up to me and pushed me to the ground as he made fun of me. I got up and tried to leave the situation. As I walked away he ran up to me and pushed me down again as he continued his vocal tirade. Again, I got up and started walking back to the school, thinking that if I could just get to the door then he would leave me alone. Mike ran after me and threw his arm into my throat and cloths lined me. I dropped to the ground choking as he walked away. I have always been a nice guy, I don't like to hurt other people and will talk my way out of a fight if I can. This experience was my first of this kind and I was more surprised that it happened, my 5th grade self didn't know what to do. Although there were no other physical altercations that year, the amount of comments increased exponentially for the rest of the year. This increase, in the amount of people and occasions that I got made fun of, setup what happened in middle and high school.
The schools back east in the D.C. Metro area have what I call a 'prison mentality' in that when a group of kids wants to be feared by the other groups then they will take out the largest person that would be considered a threat. The other kids will now fear that group, if they can take out the biggest kid then no one else has a chance against them...I was the biggest kid.
To keep this from becoming a book, I will give you the short version. If there is anything you would like to know in greater detail then please feel free to ask me...In 6th grade I was injured during a basketball game (I use to play a lot of sports) and went to the doctor for pain in my heels. I was diagnosed with Calcaneal Apophysitis which left me with both feet in soft casts and a wheel chair for 5 or 6 months out the year with bone fractures in both of my heels. When my feet healed enough to walk I was allowed to do what I wanted, but I had to be careful because there was a possibility that they would break again if they received a large enough impact; it was pretty painful to walk around normally. When I went through a growth spurt my heels would re-brake on their own and put me back in the wheel chair for another 5 to 6 months. This cycle happened 5 times from 6th grade through 10th grade. During that time I was getting jumped on average of 2 to 3 days a week by the group of kids that wanted to be feared by everyone else, wheelchair or not. In the wheelchair I would be pushed over, wheeled into walls or parked cars, and pushed down the stairs. When I wasn't in the wheelchair I was jumped regularly and have had my arm broken, finger broken, hit with many different objects multiple times in the head and body, and pushed into anything that would hurt (walls, cars, lockers, stairs, etc...). Along with the physical abuse of getting beaten up regularly, I was also experiencing verbal abuse (in the form of getting made fun of multiple times daily) and what I call emotional abuse (by pretty girls that would befriend me to achieve their goals of getting tutoring, good grades on labs, favors, and/or money; once they got what they wanted they would drop me, usually in a very cruel manor). At the end of every school year the stress of consistent negative experiences would be to great to control and I would blow up at someone or something in a violent manor.
When I was 16 years old we moved to Longmont
When I was 17 through 19 my parents were trying to figure out what was wrong with me (they were not aware of the extent of my abuse, because I did not tell them). I was tested by many different doctors, had an MRI, an EEG, and many personality tests (which I cheated on and answered them so that I appeared to be normal). The tests showed that there was nothing physically wrong with my brain and instead showed the opposite, that I had a higher then normal brain activity which the doctors explained to my parents meant that I had the capability of being a highly intelligent person. When I was 19 I was getting tired of feeling the way I was and accepting the fact that there might be something more wrong with me then just my experiences. So, when I went to the psychologist again to take another personality test I answered it truthfully that time and they found out that I was Bipolar II and the psychologist put me on Tegretol when I was 20 (after a debacle with a Depakote and Lithium mix). For the first time in my life I did not want to kill myself and although my mind seemed numbed, I was able to function normally in day to day life. But, all I did was exist for the next 8 years. The medication did not help me get rid of the darkness that resided inside my soul. When I was 28 I had lost my health insurance because I went part-time at my job and I decided to get off of the Tegretol. At first I did not feel the Bipolar II waves, my psychologist told me that it could take up to 2 years for me to feel them again. When I was 30 the waves started coming back, a little at first and increasing in intensity over the next year. Feeling the full force of the Bipolar II waves was confusing at first and it took me a while to work on how to handle the waves. Hence this journal (see previous journal entries for more information).
During this whole time I had hated myself. The only way I could be happy was from an outside source, through my relationships and romantic relationships. If I was happy with those relationships then I was happy. The problem with that is I was limited too the level of happiness that others provided and I could not provide myself with happiness alone.
Two weeks ago I increased my vitamin intake (see "Matty Bipolar II Journal: 12/09/2010") and my mood, energy, over all health, and well being have increased. This surprised me tremendously, but then I was surprised even more yesterday because I started my second depression cycle since the vitamin increase. I had the symptoms of depression (lethargic, mind moving slower, and tired), but I was not depressed. Instead the opposite was true, I was happy. How is that possible? How can I be happy during a depression? It took me all day of self exploration and mental analysis for me to realize that I actually love myself. I do not hate myself anymore, I don't believe that I am worthless, I am comfortable with who I am and actually love my personality. There are obvious things I would like to change, but they do not define me anymore. I do not hate myself because of the things I want to change, instead I just see them as goals that I would like to achieve. I know who I am and what I want to do with my life. I am finally happy, truly happy, and it is a happiness that I provided myself that does not come from an outside source.
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