Matty Bipolar II Journal: 12/24/2010

Today I have been going through some of my older writings to give myself a reference of how far I've come in my exploration of Bipolar II. These writings I used to try and express my emotions and thoughts so that I could get them down on paper and organize them, as to understand them. I wrote the following entry back in the spring of 2009 and I thought it would be good to add to my Bipolar II Journal.

Movie Theater

The sinking feeling in my stomach hits when I hear the sound of air breaks in the distance telling me that the bus is close, just on the other side of the hill. The low growl of the engine kicks in making my stomach twinge. I look up and see that old, grimy, loud, yellow bus come over the hill heading towards me. Watching the transport to hell come my way makes me feel like a soldier at war time watching an enemy’s tank barreling across the field of battle with cannon ablaze.

The yellow hell transport stops in front of our group waiting to gather us like cattle for the slaughter. As the driver opens the door the sound of idiots permeates my head, giving me a headache. I step up and find a seat as close to the front as possible because the kids that make fun of me or join in the regular beatings I get every week like to sit in the back of the bus. I can only guess that they think they are cool if they can sit back there. I don’t understand how that makes you cool, but as long as they stay in the back it allows me to keep away from them which is just fine by me. Looking out of the bus window at Silver Spring, Maryland I can see a busy collage of people, cars, and buildings. The people of my hometown wander from one area to another like mindless drones of an ant colony. In the Metro area of Washington D.C most of the residents will say 'D.C.' and not 'Silver Spring' as though it is a badge of honor when asked 'where are you from?’ In their defense, Silver Spring is basically in D.C. and crime is the same.

School is close. I can feel it in my gut. Dread fills me along with the feeling that I am going to throw up as Einstein High School comes into view. Leaving the bus I can hear the ‘cool kids’ in the back making fat jokes and pig sounds. Relief comes over me as I see my best friend Chris; he is the only thing that keeps me going while I am in hell. We like to play Dungeons and Dragons, paint pewter figurines, talk about all the girls we like, and all the geeky stuff that interests us. Today’s discussion went to the new movie Jurassic Park. It is Friday and the movie just came out. Chris and I decide to skip school to see it.

To get off the school grounds we need to go around the back and cross the football field. On our trek around the school, many things bring back unwanted memories. The brick wall where I broke my arm because I got pushed into it, the field on the side of the school where everyone eats lunch and where I get jumped on a regular basis (before, during, and after school), and finally the football field. I have mixed feelings about being here. I have been beaten up many times here, but it is also the place were I got a little revenge. When I started going here this year the head football coach asked me to join the football team. At the time I thought it was a good idea, until I found out that all the kids that liked to join in and help out with my regular beatings all through middle school were also on the football team. I decided to leave the football team and join the golf team. Our school was the laughing stock of the county because the biggest kid in our school was not playing football, but instead playing golf. Plus, they never won a game after my short stint. The five of us on the golf team came out on this field during the pep rally. It felt great that I was bigger than everyone on the football team even with their pads on. I was playing golf instead of helping them win games, but I also don’t like the football field because there is still a stigma looming around ever since that girl last week was raped here during school hours. Everyone knows who did it, but as far as I know there haven’t been any charges brought up against them. Either the girl is too scared to come forward, or she really doesn’t know who did it because they hid their faces.

At the end of the football field we hop a small fence that links to the parking lot of an elementary school. I don’t know anyone that went to this school, but I see kids here all the time. Either they ship them to another school when they get to ninth grade, or this is a private school. On the other side of the parking lot is the local McDonald's. My stomach is feeling better the farther away from Einstein we get and food sounds like a good idea. Food helps me cope with my abuse, it also keeps me fat. I have a love-hate relationship with food, but right now I need it to relax and calm my mind.

After lunch Chris and I cross the street to the Mall. Wheaton Plaza is our local mall and it is a ghetto mall. When I was younger it had no roof and the movie theater was just added last year. We buy our tickets, get a soda, popcorn, and grab our normal seats which are five rows from the front and in the middle. The feeling of dread that I started this day with has gone away as Chris and I talk about movies and eat our popcorn; laughing and making jokes all the way up to when the previews start. As the lights go down I finally feel relaxed. The movie theater is the only place, besides home, that I feel safe and comfortable.

Explication of Financial Regulation

The greed of the financial institutions in our country caused the current recession. Financial derivatives have been around for a while but they were turned into a negative object when a new financial tool was created called credit default swaps. Although derivatives have been around for a long time, at least they were still regulated. The regulation ended at the end of 2000 and ever since then derivatives were used to make a quick dollar with no regard to the possible consequences. Derivatives are not the only thing to blame for our current recession, but they accelerated and exaggerated the problems to make the recession far worse then it would have been.
A derivative, according to investopedia.com, is a “security whose price is dependent upon or derived from one or more underlying assets. The derivative itself is merely a contract between two or more parties”. Anything can be put into a derivative which makes them large and complicated to find its true underlying value. Subprime loans and credit default swaps are two of the many things included in a derivative that make them so dangerous, when they are not regulated. Subprime loans are defined by investopedia.com as “a type of loan that is offered at a rate above prime to individuals who do not qualify for prime rate loans”. These loans are given out to people that have lower credit and are more at risk to default than people that would qualify for a prime loan. Investopedia.com defines a credit default swap as, “A swap designed to transfer the credit exposure of fixed income products between parties”. A Credit default swap is the most complicated aspect of most derivatives. They are practically insurance policies on loans that allow the buyer to gamble on whether or not the owner of the loan will default. There are laws that protect the economy against insurance policies, but not credit default swaps.

A certain amount of easily accessible money that is not tied up in assets, also known as liquid money, must be held by the insurance policy holder to back up the policy. This protects the economy by making sure that the companies are able to pay out on those policies if needed, even if there is a large influx of policies that need to be paid out at one time. The problem with credit default swaps is that there are no laws protecting the economy if a large amount of loan defaults occur. Therefore a company does not have to have any liquid money to back up those types of policies and if too many of them need to be paid out at once then those companies holding the credit default swaps will not have the liquid money necessary. The type of loan that was used many times in those credit default swaps were subprime loans, this created a market for subprime loans. The banks gave out to many subprime loans to people that could not afford them which inevitably increased the amount of foreclosures until the market could not handle it anymore and the subprime market crashed.

NPR had an interview with a man named Frank Partnoy, called Frank Partnoy: Derivative Dangers, and in it he talked about how he sold derivatives for 2 years in the mid 1990’s for Morgan Stanley. He went on to talk about how they would make their derivatives so complicated that the buyer couldn’t understand them which gave them the freedom to sell them for extremely large prices. Some of the reasons why these derivatives were so complicated were the introduction of the credit default swaps. Those complicated derivatives were made attractive to buyers by convincing the credit agencies to rate them AA or AAA. The bad aspect of this is that the government turns to these credit agencies for regulation, but their validity is diminished as they are paid for their opinions and ratings. According to Frank Partnoy, this makes it difficult to regulate when the credit agencies that are relied on to regulate are paid highly for their ratings.

Derivatives used to be important financial tools that were used with respect and helped stimulate economies. Derivatives used to be much harder to put together because they took a long time to acquire the amount of assets needed to make the derivative large and attractive to sellers, but with the deregulation of the derivatives and addition of the credit default swaps derivatives became fast and easy to make. By adding credit default swaps to derivatives the financial institutions were able to decrease the amount of assets needed by filling up half of a derivative with un-backed insurance policies on assets in that derivative. This made it faster to make than acquiring the amount of assets needed to make a derivative package large enough to sell. This formed a new problem. The derivatives were being produced so fast that the sellers were having a harder time finding assets creating a market for subprime loans which the banks were more than happy to give out in greater numbers then ever before. With the increase of subprime loans came an increase in foreclosures and eventually the subprime market crashed. When the subprime market crashed the insurance companies (like AIG) had to pay out on the credit default swaps they made on subprime loans. Since their credit default swaps were not backed by any liquid money a vacuum was created that took liquidity out of the market and pushed us into the recession we are currently in.

The phenomenon is discussed in a Wall Street Journal article by Steven Gjerstand and Vernon L. Smith titled From Bubble to Depression? In that article they write, “The price decline started in 2006. Then policies designed to promote the American dream instead produced a nightmare. Trillions of dollars of mortgages, written to buyers with slender equity, started a wave of delinquencies and defaults. Borrowers' losses were limited to their small down payments; hence, the lion's share of the losses was transmitted into the financial system and it collapsed”. Democrat Rep. Gary Ackerman talked to AIG executives during the recent congressional meetings and he explained to them how absurd credit default swaps are, by saying, “There’s a great company called, ‘I Can’t Believe Its Not Butter’. At least they have the decency to tell you it’s not butter. I mean, this is insurance without being insurance because if they called it insurance they have to have money to pay you off. But, they don’t have the money to pay you off and their calling it credit default swaps because if they called it, ‘I Can’t Believe Its Not Insurance’, maybe nobody would buy it!” Rep. Ackerman went on to say that congress makes the laws and provide oversight, but they rely on the credit agencies for regulation. Although it is funny, this video also shows that the government relied on the credit agencies for regulation, the same credit agencies that get paid for their AA and AAA ratings as stated earlier. Having the credit agencies also be the regulators of the market is a conflict of interest and regulation should be in the hands of the Federal Reserve or a separate government funded agency that does not receive money from the financial companies that are affected by that regulation.

In 1985 the creation of ISDA (International Swaps and Derivatives Association) started the deregulation of derivatives lobby. Frank Partnoy talks about ISDA, and the people that worked for them that were able to eventually deregulate derivatives, in his NPR interview, Frank Partnoy: Derivative Dangers. According to Frank Partnoy the three major lobbyists are Wendy Gramm, Mark Brickle, and Senator Phil Gramm. When Wendy Gramm became a part of ISDA she started the aggressive lobby to deregulate derivatives. Later, she went on to become a board member of Enron. Mark Brickle also worked for ISDA and drafted legislation that helped deregulate derivatives. Brickle was not a lawmaker but was brought in by lawmakers as a consultant because the derivatives were so complicated. According to Frank Partnoy, “Senator Phil Gramm cemented the deregulation of derivatives”. Partnoy goes on to explain that Senator Phil Gramm added the provision to deregulate derivatives in the evening before the Christmas break; it was never debated in the house or the senate. Partnoy talked about the final step to deregulate derivatives which happened in the year 2000 and that “it (the provision) was shoved into an 1100 page omnibus budget bill and was unanimously passed by congress with no vote on December 14th and signed by Clinton on December 21st”. For the past eight years the financial institutions have been able to do whatever they wanted with derivatives ignoring the possible consequences for their actions just so that they could maximize profits.

In 2006 housing prices started to decline and then subprime foreclosures increased to a point where the subprime market eventually crashed. Credit default swaps on had to be paid off which took liquidity out of the economy. Once the liquidity was gone and debt increased in these insurance companies and financial institutions, individuals moved their money out of the stock market and into safer investments. As the stock market goes down people that did not move money watch as their investments plummet and their pensions (401k, IRA, etc…) decrease in value. Now everyone has to tighten their budgets, save money, and not spend as much. This affects the rest of the companies in the economy that depend on spending and has nothing to do with loans, derivatives, or credit default swaps. Many companies now have huge debt to profit ratios and have to make massive employee cutbacks to make up the difference. With unemployment increasing, liquidity gone, pensions decreasing in value, and the real estate and stock markets falling to their lowest values in decades it has now pushed our country into a deep recession.

Derivatives used to be a financial tool that was useful and made money but was not abused because there was regulation. The Cato Institute states in their article 10 Myths About Financial Derivatives, that derivatives have been used for years and that the first known derivative is written about by Aristotle in his story about Thales, who was a philosopher living poor in Miletus that created a “financial device, which involves a principle of universal application" (Aristotle). In that article The Cato Institute writes about many myths and the over all arguments is that derivatives are not new, help control risk, are used by many (not just large corporations), the risks are known ahead of time, and that banning them could hurt the economy. For the most part The Cato Institute is correct when saying derivatives do help control risk and help the economy by increasing liquidity that lenders can use to make loans, but the derivatives should be regulated. Zachary Karabell talks about that in his Newsweek article, The Case for Derivatives, where he writes about a Yale economist named Robert Shiller who describes derivatives as, “merely a risk-management tool the same way insurance is”. Also, derivatives help the economy when used well, but recently they have not been used correctly. Shiller warns those that are trying to get President Obama to banish derivatives, that it will “get us nowhere” (Karabell).

These articles show that the problems that arise with derivatives do not make them evil financial tools, in fact they are very helpful financial tools, but that the greed of the financial institutions that created them abused the privilege by getting derivatives deregulated so that they could maximize profits and increase the speed in which they could be created. When derivatives are properly regulated and priced correctly to reflect the risks involved then derivatives are a financial tool that has been proven to increase wealth of the investor and boost the economy. The financial institutions created credit default swaps, deregulated derivatives, and increased the subprime market to a size that was unmanageable. Greed is a strong motivator and usually results in self-interested decisions, the financial institutions in this country have proven that. Hopefully in the future they will have learned their lesson and will be more mindful in the future of their possible impacts on the economy, but it is doubtful. When the current recession is over and people become comfortable and complacent then greed will take over again and the financial institutions will find something new to make as much money as possible without considering the possible negative impacts on the economy. There will be other recessions, many recessions. Let’s just hope the average hardworking person and average investors learn our lesson for next time and not trust the financial institutions as much as we did before.


Works Cited:

Investopedia ULC, "Dictionary." 2009. Investopedia ULC. Web.16 June 2009. http://www.investopedia.com/dictionary/default.asp

Partnoy, Frank. "Frank Partnoy: Derivative Dangers." NPR.org 25 March 2009 Web.17 June 2009. http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=102325715

Gjerstand, Steven and Vernon L. Smith. "From Bubble to Depression?." Wall Street Journal 06 April 2009 Web.17 June 2009. http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123897612802791281.html

Rep. Ackerman, Gary. "Lashing out at AIG." CNN Video. 2009. CNN. Web.18 June 2009. http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/politics/2009/03/18/sot.akerman.aig.default.cnn?iref=videosearch

Karabell, Zachary. "The Case for Derivatives." Newsweek 24 Jan 2009 Web.27 Jun 2009. http://www.newsweek.com/id/181266

Siems, Thomas F. "10 Myths About Financial Derivatives." Cato Institute 11 Sep 1997 Web.27 Jun 2009. http://www.cato.org/pubs/pas/pa-283.html

Aristotle, translated by Benjamin Jowett. The Great Books of the Western World. vol 2. Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1952. Print.

Matty Bipolar II Journal: 12/23/2010

The vitamins are still working. I am still happy and like myself during this depression. But, I know I am in a depression because I am lethargic and have been having some very violent thoughts.

In the past when I had violent thoughts during a depression it was usually because the hatred I had of myself would come true. For example, I would have thoughts that someone would cause me trouble because of something I hated about myself, like being fat, worthless, ugly, stupid, or not deserving of love and then I would rage and hurt that person. Then the thought would reoccur over and over with different outcomes of me hurting that person is different violent ways. This would increase my anger with every cycle of the violent thought, turning into rage, and validating my self loathing. It would become a self fueling, run away effect of ever increasing anger.

Today is the first time that I had violent thoughts since I started liking myself and eliminated the self loathing. So, even though my thoughts are violent, they are not because of a hatred of myself is being validated. Instead my violent thoughts are that of protecting women that I care about (a friend or lover) from men that are harassing them. In a weird way, even my violent thoughts are kind of positive, in that, I am protecting others and not fighting against my personal hatred.

In real life I am going on a 12 day vacation starting on Christmas Day. I am considering going to Estes Park sometime next week, its been a while since I've been there. My violent thoughts have been involving me being in Estes Park with a girl, hanging out and window shopping in the stores. As we are looking around one of the stores, two guys come over to the girl I am hanging out with and start trying to hit on her. I wait to see if she is interested in one of them, but I quickly realize that she doesn't want to talk to them. So, I walk over pretending to show her something I found and say "hi" to the two guys just to let them know that she is with me and not interested in them. They nod and then proceed to get more aggressive with their flirting. I put my arm in front of her and gently guide her behind me as I step in between her and the two guys. One of the guys tries to go around me to touch her, so I put him in a head lock and squeeze until he passes out. I drop his limp unconcious body to the ground and look at the other guy as I say,
"We are going to leave. If you bother us again I'm not going to just knock you out, I'm gonna go straight to breaking as many bones as I can grab."
Then I take her hand and walk her out of the store. I make sure she is okay and then take her somewhere else to hopefully continue our fun day.

This is when the thought repeats itself as the violence increases with every cycle. We are back in the store, everything happens the same until the guy tries to reach around me. This time I wrap my left arm around his neck from the front putting his chin in my armpit. Having a hold of his right arm, I twist his wrist in and break his arm on my knee and then drop him to the ground. Then I tell the other guy a similar threat, take the girls hand, walk her out, and continue our day.

The thought cycles through again, but this time I beat the shit out of the first guy and threaten the second guy. The cycle happens again, this time I break the neck of the first guy and beat the shit out of the second guy. The cycle happens again and again and again, each time I hurt the two guys in different ways. Sometimes its less violent, other times its more violent. In all the cycles though the theme is the same, I am protecting the girl.

This is still a disturbing thought cycle, since I don't like to be a violent person. I prefer to talk myself out of the situation or notice that it is about to happen and just avoid it all together. In an odd way this is a break though for me, in that, this validates the fact that I actually DO like myself. Because, my brain has to come up with a different reason for my mind to accept that this is a plausible reason for me to get violent. Protecting someone I care about is an actual reason for me to get violent in real life, so it makes sense that my brain would use that to be able to have the violent thought cycle.

Super Sexy Sitzman Salsa

Last week I went to hang out with some friends of mine. When I showed up one of them, Josh, was making his Uber Salsa. I'm usually not a big fan of salsa, but I gathered my courage and tried some. OH MY GOD! It was the best salsa i've ever had. Later, I mentioned that we should add some cheese...and bam! The best queso i've ever had. Here is Josh's recipe.

Ingredients:

2 Jalapenos
1 small onion
1 bell pepper
1 habanero [if you like it hot leave the seeds in.
2 small cans of fire roasted diced tomatoes
1 small can rotel [medium]
juice from 1 lime
1 small can tomato sauce
2-3 cloves garlic
salt and pepper to taste

Directions:

- Pretty much just dice every up all the vegetables and throw all the ingredients in a blender .
- The only thing I do different is broil the Jalapeno and garlic in an oven.
- Then, steam the Jalapenos for about 5 minutes until the skin is easy to remove.
- For Queso just add some Velveta to the salsa into a pot and melt at low heat.
- Enjoy!

Matty Bipolar II Journal: 12/12/2010

I think that there are 3 types of happiness. The level of happiness in your relationships (friends and family), romantic relationships, and in yourself. The amount of happiness is not the same amount for all three types. For example a person can be happy in their relationships and not be happy in their romantic relationship or they can be happy in their romantic relationship and not have any happiness in themselves. The feeling of "happy" is a relative emotion, therefore it that cannot be quantified by someone other then the person experiencing the emotion. Unless there is a reference for the outside observer to give the statement substance and meaning. So, when I say that I am currently the happiest I have ever been in my entire life, I will need to give you a little background and explanation to give my statement some substance.

5th grade is when it all started. I was bigger then the other kids and being different meant that I got to be pushed around and made fun of. At first it started small, a comment or a dirty look of disgust. Then, one day the school was outside playing a large dodge ball game and I hit this kid named Mike with the dodge ball. He was pissed off that the fat kid had knocked him out of the game and decided to attack me. As soon as I hit him with the dodge ball he ran up to me and pushed me to the ground as he made fun of me. I got up and tried to leave the situation. As I walked away he ran up to me and pushed me down again as he continued his vocal tirade. Again, I got up and started walking back to the school, thinking that if I could just get to the door then he would leave me alone. Mike ran after me and threw his arm into my throat and cloths lined me. I dropped to the ground choking as he walked away. I have always been a nice guy, I don't like to hurt other people and will talk my way out of a fight if I can. This experience was my first of this kind and I was more surprised that it happened, my 5th grade self didn't know what to do. Although there were no other physical altercations that year, the amount of comments increased exponentially for the rest of the year. This increase, in the amount of people and occasions that I got made fun of, setup what happened in middle and high school.

The schools back east in the D.C. Metro area have what I call a 'prison mentality' in that when a group of kids wants to be feared by the other groups then they will take out the largest person that would be considered a threat. The other kids will now fear that group, if they can take out the biggest kid then no one else has a chance against them...I was the biggest kid.

To keep this from becoming a book, I will give you the short version. If there is anything you would like to know in greater detail then please feel free to ask me...In 6th grade I was injured during a basketball game (I use to play a lot of sports) and went to the doctor for pain in my heels. I was diagnosed with Calcaneal Apophysitis which left me with both feet in soft casts and a wheel chair for 5 or 6 months out the year with bone fractures in both of my heels. When my feet healed enough to walk I was allowed to do what I wanted, but I had to be careful because there was a possibility that they would break again if they received a large enough impact; it was pretty painful to walk around normally. When I went through a growth spurt my heels would re-brake on their own and put me back in the wheel chair for another 5 to 6 months. This cycle happened 5 times from 6th grade through 10th grade. During that time I was getting jumped on average of 2 to 3 days a week by the group of kids that wanted to be feared by everyone else, wheelchair or not. In the wheelchair I would be pushed over, wheeled into walls or parked cars, and pushed down the stairs. When I wasn't in the wheelchair I was jumped regularly and have had my arm broken, finger broken, hit with many different objects multiple times in the head and body, and pushed into anything that would hurt (walls, cars, lockers, stairs, etc...). Along with the physical abuse of getting beaten up regularly, I was also experiencing verbal abuse (in the form of getting made fun of multiple times daily) and what I call emotional abuse (by pretty girls that would befriend me to achieve their goals of getting tutoring, good grades on labs, favors, and/or money; once they got what they wanted they would drop me, usually in a very cruel manor). At the end of every school year the stress of consistent negative experiences would be to great to control and I would blow up at someone or something in a violent manor.

When I was 16 years old we moved to Longmont

When I was 17 through 19 my parents were trying to figure out what was wrong with me (they were not aware of the extent of my abuse, because I did not tell them). I was tested by many different doctors, had an MRI, an EEG, and many personality tests (which I cheated on and answered them so that I appeared to be normal). The tests showed that there was nothing physically wrong with my brain and instead showed the opposite, that I had a higher then normal brain activity which the doctors explained to my parents meant that I had the capability of being a highly intelligent person. When I was 19 I was getting tired of feeling the way I was and accepting the fact that there might be something more wrong with me then just my experiences. So, when I went to the psychologist again to take another personality test I answered it truthfully that time and they found out that I was Bipolar II and the psychologist put me on Tegretol when I was 20 (after a debacle with a Depakote and Lithium mix). For the first time in my life I did not want to kill myself and although my mind seemed numbed, I was able to function normally in day to day life. But, all I did was exist for the next 8 years. The medication did not help me get rid of the darkness that resided inside my soul. When I was 28 I had lost my health insurance because I went part-time at my job and I decided to get off of the Tegretol. At first I did not feel the Bipolar II waves, my psychologist told me that it could take up to 2 years for me to feel them again. When I was 30 the waves started coming back, a little at first and increasing in intensity over the next year. Feeling the full force of the Bipolar II waves was confusing at first and it took me a while to work on how to handle the waves. Hence this journal (see previous journal entries for more information).

During this whole time I had hated myself. The only way I could be happy was from an outside source, through my relationships and romantic relationships. If I was happy with those relationships then I was happy. The problem with that is I was limited too the level of happiness that others provided and I could not provide myself with happiness alone.

Two weeks ago I increased my vitamin intake (see "Matty Bipolar II Journal: 12/09/2010") and my mood, energy, over all health, and well being have increased. This surprised me tremendously, but then I was surprised even more yesterday because I started my second depression cycle since the vitamin increase. I had the symptoms of depression (lethargic, mind moving slower, and tired), but I was not depressed. Instead the opposite was true, I was happy. How is that possible? How can I be happy during a depression? It took me all day of self exploration and mental analysis for me to realize that I actually love myself. I do not hate myself anymore, I don't believe that I am worthless, I am comfortable with who I am and actually love my personality. There are obvious things I would like to change, but they do not define me anymore. I do not hate myself because of the things I want to change, instead I just see them as goals that I would like to achieve. I know who I am and what I want to do with my life. I am finally happy, truly happy, and it is a happiness that I provided myself that does not come from an outside source.

Matty Bipolar II Journal: 12/09/2010

I love documentaries. I recently was suggested a great documentary by my friend Jason called ''Food Matters.'' It talks about the struggle between medical doctors and nutritionists. Medical doctors are not taught nutrition in medical school and therefore will usually prescribe a drug to fix a health issue without considering if vitamins will correct the issue. The problem with drugs is that they are designed to fix a specific issue and not other aspects of the body that also effect that issue. Vitamins on the other hand are used to help the body correct most issues on their own. Now, I am not advocating that people should shun medical doctors and prescription drugs. Instead I want people to be aware that drugs are not the only choice and should not be the first choice to correct a health issue. Drugs are very powerful and effect the body in drastic ways and should only be a last resort if nutrition and mega-dose vitamins are not affective.

When I had the Gastric Bypass surgery my doctor told me that I will need to take a mega vitamin at least once a day because I am not able to get enough vitamins through food alone, since I cannot eat very much. While I was looking for a good mega vitamin I found out that there are many vitamins that are mainly chemical vitamins created in a lab and the body has trouble absorbing them. A ''Food Matrix" vitamin are vitamins extracted from actual food and the body absorbs more of the vitamins and at a faster rate. There are many articles and books written on the subject. Check out this link Here for more information.

For the past 2 weeks I have increased my mega vitamin from one per day to three per day and I have to say that I have seen a huge change in the past week because of it. My last depression was small compared to previous ones and my last manic also was diminished to where I was still a bit crazy, but the hypersexuality was a lot easier to handle. Everyone around me is getting sick with cold's, flu's, and stomach bugs. I however have not gotten sick yet and I don't think I am that lucky, so I am attributing that to the higher amount of vitamins I have been taking.

The vitamins I take are Glucosamine HCL with MSM for my knee and 'Alive!' muli-vitamins. The bottle shows you the amount (g-grams, mg-miligrams, mcg-micrograms, IU-international unit of potentcy) and the percent of Daily Value (%DV) for each vitamin. Here is a list of the vitamins in it and a description of how that vitamin helps you. All of the descriptions come from the reference of www.webmd.com/vitamins-lifestyle-guide and other sites, you can click the vitamin name more information.

(Amount / %DV) If you take the recommended dose of 3 tablets per day.

15,000 IU / 300%

Vitamin A (contains both Retinol and Beta Carotene) is key for good vision, a healthy immune system, and cell growth.

1 g / 1667%

Vitamin C (Ascorbic acid) helps tissue and bone grow and repair itself. While vitamin C supplements are extremely popular, research has yet to establish solid health benefits.

400 IU / 100%

Vitamin D plays several key roles in your body. Most importantly, vitamin D helps your body absorb the minerals calcium and phosphorus from the food you eat.

200 IU / 667%

Vitamin E is key for strong immunity and healthy skin and eyes. In recent years, vitamin E supplements have become popular as antioxidants. These are substances that protect cells from damage.

80 mcg / 100%

Vitamin K plays a key role in helping the blood clot, preventing excessive bleeding. Unlike many other vitamins, vitamin K is not typically used as a dietary supplement.

25 mg / 1667%

Vitamin B1 (Thiamin) helps fuel your body by converting blood sugar into energy. It keeps your mucous membranes healthy and is essential for nervous system, cardiovascular and muscular function.

25 mg / 1471%

Vitamin B2 (Riboflavin) supports energy production by aiding in the metabolising of fats, carbohydrates, and proteins. Vitamin B2 is also required for red blood cell formation and respiration, antibody production, and for regulating human growth and reproduction. It is essential for healthy skin, nails, hair growth and general good health, including regulating thyroid activity.

125 mg / 625%

Vitamin B3 (Niacin), in the body is important for general good health. As a treatment, higher amounts of niacin can improve cholesterol levels and lower cardiovascular risks.

50 mg / 2500%

Vitamin B6 (Pyridoxine), is often called the “mood vitamin” because it’s very important for helping our brains and metabolism.

400 mcg / 100%

Folic acid is a type of B vitamin that's key for cell growth and metabolism. Studies show that many people in the U.S. don't get enough folic acid.

200 mg / 3333%

Vitamin B-12 (Cobalamin) plays a role in making DNA. Vitamin B-12 also helps keep nerve cells and red blood cells healthy.

300 mcg / 100%

Biotin is a coenzyme and a B vitamin, also known as vitamin H. As a supplement, biotin is sometimes used for diabetes, brittle nails, and other conditions.

125 mg / 1250%

Pantothenic acid (Vitamin B5) is needed by the body in order to from coenzyme A and is also crucial in metabolizing proteins, carbohydrates and fats inside the body.

250 mg / 25%

Calcium is a mineral well-known for its key role in bone health. Calcium also helps maintain heart rhythm, muscle function, and more. Because of its health benefits, calcium is one of the best-selling supplements in the U.S.

800 mcg / 4%

Iron is a mineral that's necessary for life. Iron plays a key role in the making of red blood cells, which carry oxygen through the body.

150 mcg / 100%

Iodine is an essential trace element that is essential for the normal growth and development. Around 60% of the iodine in the body is stored in the thyroid gland. The health benefits of iodine play a very important role in the normal functioning of the thyroid glands, which secretes thyroid hormones that control the basic metabolic rate of the body.

125 mg / 31%

Magnesium is a mineral that's crucial to the body's function. Magnesium helps keep blood pressure normal, bones strong, and the heart rhythm steady.

15 mg / 100%

Zinc is a mineral that's important to the body in many ways. Zinc keeps the immune system strong, helps heal wounds, and supports normal growth.

70 mcg / 100%

Selenium is a mineral found in the soil. Selenium naturally appears in water and some foods. While people only need a very small amount, selenium plays a key role in the metabolism.

2 mg / 100%

Copper include proper growth, utilization of iron, enzymatic reactions, connective tissues, hair, eyes, ageing and energy production. Apart from these, heart rhythm, thyroid glands, arthritis, wound healing.

4 mcg / 200%

Manganese ensure healthy bone structure, bone metabolism, helping in building essential enzymes for building bones. It acts as a coenzyme to assist metabolic progression in the human body. Apart from these, there are other health benefits of manganese actively involved in forming connective tissues, absorption of calcium, proper functioning of thyroid, sex hormones, regulating blood sugar level, and metabolism of fats and carbohydrates.

120 mcg / 100%

Chromium -- specifically, trivalent chromium -- is an essential trace element that's used by some people as a supplement. Perhaps most importantly, chromium forms a compound in the body that seems to enhance the effects of insulin and lower glucose levels.

75 mcg / 100%

Molybdenum is a trace mineral found in most plant and animal tissues. Molybdenum is an essential co-factor for many of the enzymes involved in protein synthesis and the mobilization or iron use in the body.

15 mcg / 1%

Sodium functions with chloride and bicarbonate to maintain a balance of positive and negative ions (electrically charged particles) in our body fluids and tissues. The body receives sodium primarily in the form of table salt (sodium chloride). Sodium, the principal extracellular ion, has the property of holding water in body tissues.

50 mcg / 1%

Potassium is a mineral that's crucial for life. Potassium is necessary for the heart, kidneys, and other organs to work normally.

The Alive! multi-vitamin also has many micro-nutrients such as Spirulina, Amino acids, Omega acid, Enzyme's, and more that help out in many ways to help move the vitamins and increase the speed and amount of absorption. 

Matty Bipolar II Journal: 12/01/2010

Life is hard, a lesson that many ignore or avoid in the hopes that it is not true. Acceptance is also hard, although the acceptance of others is easier then acceptance of one's self.

In my exploration of manic and depression I have found that through will power a person can fight the urges and thoughts to minimize the affects of manic or depression. There is a problem with this approach that I realized this week. Fighting yourself can be counter productive, although it helps for the short term, it is also helping you avoid the real problems that are contributing to the manic or depression. There will always have to be some mental fighting that is still needed for the short term, just make sure that it is only for the short term. I think for most people, when we find something that works then it is easier to just do that one thing or increase it for a stronger effect instead of finding the best solution. Easier does not mean better, the best solution for any problem is usually more difficult then most of the solutions you can choose from.

Here is example, this is what I figured out this month. During my last depression stage a friend of mine had died unexpectedly and that prolonged my depression to 12 days instead of the normal 2 days I usually deal with. I found out after 3 days of constantly fighting my depression that the mental fatigue was too high to handle and by the 4th day I had given up the fight and accepted the depression for what it was and only fought untrue thoughts when they happened instead of fighting the depression as a whole. This acceptance made the depression much easier to handle for the long term and also decreased my mental fatigue. After the depression was over and I was able to think clearly again I started to examine the difference between the short term and long term fight.

The first thing I analyzed were the untrue thoughts that I am constantly fighting during my depression. My reason for this line of thinking is that if I can fix the core problems that my mind wants to attach too then my mind cannot use them against me to explain a depression caused by Bipolar and has no reason. Some of the untrue thoughts that my mind likes to attach too are:
1)  You're fat and no woman wants to be with a fat man because it disgusts them.
2)  You're ugly and the only people that associate with you only do it out of pity.
3)  You're poor and the only way women will look past your physical ugliness is if you're rich.

Of course I know that these thoughts make no logical sense and that is why they are called "untrue" thoughts. My mind is dealing with a depression caused by Bipolar and therefore has no reason, so my mind will try to explain the depression by feeding on past experiences that have caused depression. The reason my mind will try to accept these untrue thoughts is because there is a small amount of truth to them and the best lies that are the most convincing are the lies that are sprinkled with a little truth. The truths that sprinkle those untrue thoughts are:
1)  Yes I am a big guy, but I am not fat because I am an active person and enjoy getting out of the house. Although there are many women out there that will only be with guys that have 10% body fat or less, they are usually self absorbed bitches with zero interesting personality traits. Most of the women out there that have personalities that I am attracted too do not care about the fact that I am a bigger then average guy. In fact, the opposite is usually true and most women enjoy the fact that I am a big guy. It makes me a "Teddy Bear" and the most comfortable snuggler in the world.
2)  The way humans interpret beauty is associated with symmetry. The more symmetrical a person's face is, the more people will find them attractive. I do not have a very symmetrical face and although this means that I won't ever be a Calvin Kline model, it does not mean that I am ugly. Actually, I think that I am quite cute and attractive in my own way.
3)  I am not poor, actually I get paid pretty well. The reason I don't have a lot of money to spend is because I am saving it to build my Scottrade account so that I can Daytrade again.

To make a long story short, instead of fighting my thoughts, I have decided to accept my flaws. It is good to take care of my health, but I don't have to be constantly wanting to look like the next Calvin Kline underwear model. If I can't accept myself then how can I expect others to accept me? It may take some time, but I have already started accepting my physical appearance and knowing that my personality and other abilities make me a much more attractive man to women then my physical appearance. How can I expect a woman to want to be with me if I cannot love myself?

I am growing and becoming more comfortable with myself. This will help me more during my Bipolar waves, I won't have to fight my mind as much. We will see what happens on the next depression stage. Life is hard, a lesson that many ignore or avoid in the hopes that it is not true. Acceptance is also hard, although the acceptance of others is easier then acceptance on one's self.