I am a true believer in the concept of "temporary insanity" and my weekend is my proof of that. In three days I managed to dive into the darkest parts of my mind and was lost to them. In my insanity I have wronged some people, annoyed others, and depressed even more. I feel truly sorry for my actions and wish the people I have wronged can find a way to forgive me one day. The following is not an excuse for my actions, I take full responsibility for them and any future consequences because of them. I am writing this to help people that have loved ones with Bipolar in understanding where their mind is during these times and for those with Bipolar to be able to avoid the mistakes I have made.
On Thursday I started a quick dive depression that hit me too fast for me to control and the Bipolar won. My pain felt unbearable at the time and I decided to drink alcohol to try and get some relief or at least not care anymore. This started a three day alcohol binge that progressively made my depression worse. By Saturday night I was living in a constant state of rage, disgust, and intense hatred for myself. I contemplated suicide, but I am not able to do it. I have contemplated suicide before, I never tried because I see it as giving up and I don't like to give up. Also, I would not want to put my loved ones through that. I may have had in an insane powerful hatred for myself, but I didn't want anyone else to know about it. Everyone has felt depressed, rage, disgust, and intense hatred before and maybe even towards themselves. But, because of the alcohol and having fallen into the darkest places of my mind I started to find joy from the rage and hatred. In my insanity I thought that suicide was not fun enough and too quick, I thought it would be more fun to start a fight with multiple people and cause pain in the hopes that they will kill me and take me out of my misery. This was my mindset on Saturday night.
I could not drive anywhere, so I decided to blast death metal from my car that night and drink outside in the hopes that someone would start a fight with me. Instead I was saved by three neighborhood kids that heard the music and came over without any fear of my drunkenness to ask me about it. I started talking about my love of metal for a while and later after I lit up a cigarette my rage and hate had turned into a protective state of mind. Okay, let me back track a bit on that to explain why that happened. My mom's side of the family has had many abusive people in it, some alcoholics, some not. But, growing up I would witness my cousins and aunts get beat and berated for no reason, that gave me a core disgust for people that would ever physically harm a woman or a child. So, when I lit that cigarette I became protective of these kids and started telling them to never smoke, that I hate it, it smells, tastes bad, is disgusting, and extremely hard to quite. After talking to them for about an hour about all kinds of things and probably convincing them to stay away from alcohol also. I turned off the music and went to bed. On Sunday I was severely dehydrated and spent the day at my parents house to be in a safe place that was familiar, I started eating again and hydrating myself. By Monday morning I was feeling better and now I am back to my old self. I am still coming out of the depression, but it is manageable now.
To people that have Bipolar, it is not a good idea to drink alcohol if you are in your depression cycle especially if it is an uncontrolled depression. Even in a controlled depression I would not have more then a couple of drinks and never pass tipsy. Learn from my mistakes, alcohol promotes the depression, it may feel good at first, but if you can't stop in an attempt to continue the relieving feeling then it will push your mind into places you do not want to be. I am a fucking idiot, do not be me.
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