The vitamins are still working. I am still happy and like myself during this depression. But, I know I am in a depression because I am lethargic and have been having some very violent thoughts.
In the past when I had violent thoughts during a depression it was usually because the hatred I had of myself would come true. For example, I would have thoughts that someone would cause me trouble because of something I hated about myself, like being fat, worthless, ugly, stupid, or not deserving of love and then I would rage and hurt that person. Then the thought would reoccur over and over with different outcomes of me hurting that person is different violent ways. This would increase my anger with every cycle of the violent thought, turning into rage, and validating my self loathing. It would become a self fueling, run away effect of ever increasing anger.
Today is the first time that I had violent thoughts since I started liking myself and eliminated the self loathing. So, even though my thoughts are violent, they are not because of a hatred of myself is being validated. Instead my violent thoughts are that of protecting women that I care about (a friend or lover) from men that are harassing them. In a weird way, even my violent thoughts are kind of positive, in that, I am protecting others and not fighting against my personal hatred.
In real life I am going on a 12 day vacation starting on Christmas Day. I am considering going to Estes Park sometime next week, its been a while since I've been there. My violent thoughts have been involving me being in Estes Park with a girl, hanging out and window shopping in the stores. As we are looking around one of the stores, two guys come over to the girl I am hanging out with and start trying to hit on her. I wait to see if she is interested in one of them, but I quickly realize that she doesn't want to talk to them. So, I walk over pretending to show her something I found and say "hi" to the two guys just to let them know that she is with me and not interested in them. They nod and then proceed to get more aggressive with their flirting. I put my arm in front of her and gently guide her behind me as I step in between her and the two guys. One of the guys tries to go around me to touch her, so I put him in a head lock and squeeze until he passes out. I drop his limp unconcious body to the ground and look at the other guy as I say,
"We are going to leave. If you bother us again I'm not going to just knock you out, I'm gonna go straight to breaking as many bones as I can grab."
Then I take her hand and walk her out of the store. I make sure she is okay and then take her somewhere else to hopefully continue our fun day.
This is when the thought repeats itself as the violence increases with every cycle. We are back in the store, everything happens the same until the guy tries to reach around me. This time I wrap my left arm around his neck from the front putting his chin in my armpit. Having a hold of his right arm, I twist his wrist in and break his arm on my knee and then drop him to the ground. Then I tell the other guy a similar threat, take the girls hand, walk her out, and continue our day.
The thought cycles through again, but this time I beat the shit out of the first guy and threaten the second guy. The cycle happens again, this time I break the neck of the first guy and beat the shit out of the second guy. The cycle happens again and again and again, each time I hurt the two guys in different ways. Sometimes its less violent, other times its more violent. In all the cycles though the theme is the same, I am protecting the girl.
This is still a disturbing thought cycle, since I don't like to be a violent person. I prefer to talk myself out of the situation or notice that it is about to happen and just avoid it all together. In an odd way this is a break though for me, in that, this validates the fact that I actually DO like myself. Because, my brain has to come up with a different reason for my mind to accept that this is a plausible reason for me to get violent. Protecting someone I care about is an actual reason for me to get violent in real life, so it makes sense that my brain would use that to be able to have the violent thought cycle.
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