Matty Bipolar II Journal: 10/30/2010

This depression was easier to deal with than previous ones. I have a theory as to why that is:

• I use to accept the reasons my mind would come up with to explain the depression, but I have been fighting it every cycle for the past couple of months and telling myself that it is a chemical reaction and there is no other reason. I think my mind is starting to accept my explanation, that it is a chemical reaction, as a reason to explain the depression instead of an outside source like money, lack of women, feeling fat, or feeling worthless.

If I am right about this then the depressions will get easier to deal with in the future. I will still have to fight them, but not as hard as I have in the past. I have noticed that because I become lethargic, slow thinking, and lack motivation going into the depression, that the opposite is true when coming out. Every time I am getting out of the depression stage I become more active, think at a normal speed, and my motivation to better myself comes back. What I noticed this time though is that, because the depression was easier to handle, my self confidence is increasing. This increase in my self confidence is also making the motivation to better myself, when coming out of the depression stage, more intense. Today I felt that if I can fight the Bipolar II with the power of my own mind and determination then I also have the mental strength to increase my motivations and determinations in other aspects of my life. I can feel my will power increasing with every cycle I successfully complete.

I am going to put my new increase in self confidence and will power to the test and work on decreasing the amount I smoke, drink more water, eat less, exercise more, and save money. I have learned from my previous attempts to quit smoking that I cannot do it cold turkey, instead I am going to question my motivations to smoke every time I go on a break or have a craving. Over time this will decrease the amount I smoke per day until I get to the point where I don't smoke at all, or more realistically, smoke very occasionally. I drink too much diet soda, I need to increase my water intake by questioning my reasons to pick up a diet soda instead of a water bottle. Not only because it is better for me, but because it cleanses the body and is needed to keep my muscles from cramping when I increase my exercise. I also eat too much, not the amount per meal, the Gastric Bypass fixed that. I do however snack too often, especially at work and I need to cut that out and only eat when I need too, not when I want to or when I am bored. The exercise I want to increase to loose weight obviously, but also it is apart of fighting the Hypersexuality during the manic stage as I stated in previous journal entries. The saving money I want to do to increase my Scottrade account, because trading stocks is my passion and one day I want it to become my career. I would do this by questioning my reasons behind my purchases, "do I really need this and if so why?" If my theory is correct about why my depression stage was easier to handle this time around, then it must also be true that if I fight my mind for these other things that eventually my mind will accept my reasoning and I won't have to fight it as hard. Thus making it easier over time to smoke less, drink water regularly, eat properly, enjoy exercise, and have the money to trade stocks again.